Happy New Year--Hoping in 2012 we all can make a difference for few more people :):)!!

                   "THERE IS NO UNDESERVING PERSON IN THIS WORLD --PROBABLY THERE ARE LOT OF UNLUCKY ONES --WE CANT CHANGE THEIR FATES BUT WE CAN MAKE THEM FORGET IT FOR A DAY"                 

                            "We all live in same world ,,,not all are destined to live a similar life--some live a tough life maybe its left for us to change their destinies and redefine ours --if we think we can change  their lives,Maybe a wonderful dawn is around the corner  "
                    
                    What is ur plans for tomm machan my frd asked me ?--i said nothin just whale around with sum frds ,,,go around some happening place make fun---go to beach --and nothin big --enjoy the day ---he asked me really thats all?are we supposed to be like this till we die machan?---i asked him what u want to give me a big lecture to go to some temple and worship for goodness of the world --Cmon!!--im beleiver of god and good things but not a blind follower of what world does !!--he replied "Oh ya --so spending the new year with few frds in girls in parties and driving around the place and cutting cakes and enjoyin by urself enuf ???I in a reply of feeling instant insult and anger replied hastily --Oh yes if u have a better one please let me know abt one---maybe u wanna me booze around and buy few other some drinks and enjoy  the way u wish right?
                   That happened  in the early hrs of the day today -i duly apoligised for my stupid outburst but it stayed with me more than what i thought -somthin irked me --maybe he did not give me a solid reply of my hastiness to cover a truth he revealed unknowingly --this was no conversation between teens --it was between guys in the early 30s --probably the age when u wanna do sumthin different  rather than the same in ur life --the age where "Wants outdoes everything"--but sumwhere i do feel he was right --enjoyin the life to the  hilt in teens and early 20s is sumthing that can be excused not when u r in your the next stage of life --so what do we eventually do about the dawn of supposedly the year with hopes higher than ever in life ??
                 In a nutshell u never earn enough for ur life till ur last because the more u earn the more u want --that will keep on being the same till the last--but life is not same for all --sume wish to have 1 percent of what we have ---it is for us to give that to people who deserve them--"WE CANT CHANGE THEIR FATES BUT MAKE THEM FORGET THAT FOR SUMTIME ATLEAST -YES WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO FEW IF WE WISH AND I KNOW IT IS A BIG "IF"!!!

                                 I recently went to a handicap home with a frd of mine --she came all the way with me to the home and at the last moment stood outside --saying she cant see them like that and sleep easily --that is how we probably see them --we always see their inabilities and feel it may affect our happiness we neglect them sumtimes --but what we forget is we have happiness that can be shared--dont take me wrong --im was firmly in  that category for long time in my life until a beautiful person changed my perspective,,i was pushed to do that by her --even though im a regular visitor to some homes nowadays i cant enitrely say im putting my heart and soul into it because if i had done so --i would have replied to my friend with a thought say for example  --"Yes i have sum other plan and probably a dawn for few others" but i did not ,,guess thats how the world works out --its a selfish world where individual gains and mindless funs outdo necessary "things to do"in life

                              A mindless conversation ,,a friendly banter ,a typical stupid inborn aggression almost blinded me thinking me in right way and taking the next step in right way ---Yes i will have my fun --it will be slightly muted --because i have decided to make it a dawn for few others too--a beginning for me wholeheartedly  --and i hope its not a bad beginning if u decide to do so ---as i said sumtimes we have to realise there are unlucky people than us who unknowingly wait for our attention--u might nearby u--"SOME BLIND HOMES,,SOME ORPHANAGES ,,SOME OLD AGE HOMES "--just think abt them --if u decide there luck might change --if u dont -nothing will rock ur world but u r depriving urself a opportunity to change someones luck by ur small contribution --this im sayin in no philosphical advice ---remember im in ur group --trust me --read the talk with my frd ---im hoping to join in the few who might think bit differently and firmly . 

                            A dawn for a better tommorow  and a dawn for a satisfyin year ahead --Wishing u a awesome New Year Ahead ---Welcome 2012 -Cant wait to see how its turn out :)

Live Ur Passion Atleast Once In Life ,,,,,,U Will Love Ur Life Like Never Before :)

                        My 50 th blog ---  One of the  biggest achievements in my life till date  --Whole heartedly thank the buddies who supported me to keep writing -my sisters,,my best frds,,grateful to each and every one of u -sumtimes its not always abt money or fame ,sumtimes its about happiness --Plain Happiness--Wrting is my passion-my happiness,Thanks to each and everyone of u who made it possible :)!!
                             ( Up until March 27 this year in my life ,,my passion was almost in grave --i never thought of doing sumthing abt it --but with all due respect to all of my wonderful frds i wanna dedicate this entire blog to my brother "Sandeep Sheoron"--i would have died one day without living my passion even for once but for u----A big thanks to u bro  ,Now i know  and beleive i will live my passion in whatever forms i can till my last  --for me nothing gives me more happiness than living my passion-Writing--without u i would never had a opportunity,,Luv u Brother  :)
     
      
   Exactly how does it feel to live your passion?
           "  Its when ur heart feels light ,,when ur mind is free from pressures ,,,when u feel the child in u  coming out for few minutes,, its when ur thoughts bring only smile -when the world seems the happiest place to live - U love life like never before "

    "NEVER LET PASSION BE YOUR DREAM --WAKE UP
  LIVE YOUR PASSION ONCE--U WILL LOVE UR LIFE LIKE NEVER BEFORE" 
                                        
                                                         There is not a single soul born in this world who doesnt have a passion,,a die hard love for something the heart yearns ,,the mind plans for perfect execution --the world a platform to perform BUT,,tht is a big but --sadly the ticket for the performance in world is measured by a factor called "MONEY" and for those who have the ticket to perform there are no audiences ---fate plays the perfect game with people who have either of one making sure they miss the other ,,the obstacles to realise a passion is so huge - family,society,,surrounding ,financial condition all have a bearing in our quest to realise our passion,,--i have seen countless people having endless thirst striving to get one chance to fulfil their passion,,because passion as a whole is not same for every individual ,,it differs from person to person

                                                      So many years ago when i was in school i usually laughed at a singing master who was very old then --probably in his 80s then ,,he used to wear a hat ,,a perfect white and white dress tucked in,,,i used to laugh at him because he used to sing with almost all his teeth gone ,,,but the moment he started singing he had a brightness in his face,,he never cared us small kids laughing at him ,,,i once asked him innocently "Master ,,Im sorry i laughed at u but dont u feel bad for us all laughing and making fun "--he replied "60 years odd im doing this --"Singing is My Passion "---i will do it till my last --its like living a dream son --sumday u will know "
                                                       Im sure that person wont be alive for me to interact now ,but his words now make hell a lot of meaning - 20 years back when my schoolteacher asked me "Whts ur passion"--"I said i will ask my dad and tell u miss"--12 years back --another teacher asked me same in college --I said  --I m not sure now--will say u alter--- 6 years back ---the girl who i endlessly admire for her mesmerizin words forever --said --"U know whats ur passion--u have buried it for ur desires to be perfect son,,the perfect family guy,,the person the world will love --Before its time make sure u live your passion for one day --u will love ur life like u never did before --trust me "
                                                       Life is a collection of answers  for tricky questions posed by fate ---the ultimate momento is given by urself and not by others---if u answer the question "have i lived my passion once ,,just once--IN THE AFFIRMATIVE -"then its like living a dream --you live just once --why go to the grave not tryin for what the heart loves more than anythin else"--while its true not everyone is blessed with all the tools ,but the  truth is  thats also the answer for realising the dreams --the tools need to be found to live our passion--ultimately there lies happiness,,sume wants to be a reader ,,a writer,,a editor ,a painter,a actor ,,a webdesigner,,a traveller ,,a pilot ,,,etc ,,so many,,the fields are  endless ,,but when the pages of life unravel before u ,at some point u will know the special desire of your heart lies in one unique thing. 
                                                 Fate is not cruel always --it gives u opportunities for u to exhibit ur passion,fate gives us people who make us realise that "Life is not a bad game after all,,,its slightly unfair ,,but it offers u help in the form of great frds,,supportive family,,everlasting love from a partner pushing u to ur dreams --whilst it fair make the most out of it ,,because as i said its sighty unfair ,,lol!!
            "Whatever u do everyday might not be ur  passion--what u want to do everyday is passion"
 Sighning off with the broadest of grins and happiest of hearts in years
 Shan,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,to be continued ,,,lol!!!!!
                                                
            
                                               

Theres sumthing special abt the word "Memories" !!!

                   "Every dawn is not entirely new because i know it is painted with ur memories sumwhere "
                                     Every Morning i wake up not to anger--surely not in nothingness --but to a thought of sumone i love or loved  --and even with a tear it always brings a smile,,a belief ,,Where does it really come from?--from a very unique word  "Memories",,I treasure some memories so deeply that it pulls me out of gravest of holes even at this time ,,At a stage where most of my buddies are well into their married life -- as a individual my best companions in practical life are just a laptop and mostly lifeless things -- Memories ought to be my best companion because if i dont have them my life will be like a empty book with a beautiful cover page .
                                     A loss of a lovable person doesnt seem like a pain when u learn to live ur life with their memories ,,,there was a beautiful person in my life--who taught me how to love a person even when they r not with u -During the time when i struggled like hell  then to come out immediately of  the sudden passing of my mom -the person showed me the way to channelise my life with their memories she many times quoted -"If u love sumone deeply u will learn to live with their memories with or without them -Trust me ",,the person who said those powerful words is not with me eithernow  ,, But the truth is 9 years later after my angelic mom died  i can still  smell my Moms Saree,,i can still feel her hand --those rough hands of tireless works for her children even though it is nine years since i had felt tht ,,whenever i see her pic i just kiss her in air ,,feeling her cheeks exactly same way i felt almost a decade ago-exactly thts what memory does,the truth might it brings along might be too cold but the warmness it gives to the heart is undeniable.
                                   Memories are not what u choose to live in--its what u unknowingly experience at the very moment -to remember or forget is ur choice --but always the best choice is remeberin them --u never know when it might be needed--i write these days in remembrance of memories of the people who have graced my life then and grace my life now --my life is a unique experience--be it my sisters,,my soulmate,,my best frds,,noone live near me to feel the experience live,,,memories keep me goin,,keep me smiling,keep me fighting
                                      U judge urself with ur loved ones --sumtimes its good --sumtimes its bad ,,,but there is no denying it never happens--at the end of the day u r left with urself to decide the course of the next day ,,for the last couple of years i have judged myself exactly on the same scale ,,whats the thing that keeps me going despite the hurdles ,,the troubles, the fights,the self questioning?,To admit "Im a completely fulfilled person at this point"would be as blunt a lie imaginable .
                                    No matter what life will go on--with or without persons u loved in life but never fail to remember the beautiful moments-- the memories -- By doing so u will always get hell a lot of energy and a heart warming smile .

 Signing off quoting sumthing i wrote in remembrance of memorable sumone

                     "The one thing that connects u to me still is our memories
                     Little did i knew the moments i spent then would become now memeories
                     As the sun   is to sunflower ur memory will be for my life
                    Ur life may have become history-- Ur love was always a mystery
                  As long my memory doesnt fade me ur memories will forever be cherished"

     And yes memories is sumthin that i cherish most--it kept me goin then and it keeps me goin now too:)
                                           
                                               
                                 

"Flame" And " Darkness" !!!

                    Well after a gap here im again -- this blog is purely written on personal self defining moments experienced in recent past,(Special Thanks to   Rohit  Garhwal ,Anu Singh,Nathiya,Dipu ,Mr and Mrs Ravi,Hasini,Shanks,  :) )

                     Self admittedly i have been a poor reader all my life --recently few months back i happened to read a old book and i was fascinated by couple of topics in it ,,,regarding the relation between flames and darkness,i took some excerpts of them and kept it in a file  to read it sumday if at all  ,,At that time when i read that i found it interesting but did not get the real meaning of the topics ,,but very recently i happened to experience the real meaning of it ,,,i wanna share the thoughts regarding the same 

                     I was going through some tough physical complications when all i could do was lie on the floor and look upto the walls for days with loneliness as my new and uncalled companion ,,it was self implicated trouble but it was beyond physical ailment that started examining me to the core -I was beginning to feel scarily lonely --for a 30 sumthin guy it was rare to feel so insecured but i did ,When unbound love is shut out by fate --you have no option but to become desperate ---i had unbound love from very few ppl --some very spl ppl--but not at the very moment --By cruelty of fate they were not with me ,,not even in this world ,,the scariest night of my life followed ---i felt for the first time in my life --desperate helpless loneliness ,,here i was experiencing the most scary night of my life with unbearable pain physically and mentally .

                    I got advice from my good  frd Rohit Garhwal --to read books and be away from all my social activities,,i sumhow felt tht as a good advice and i went in search of the sumthing to read ,as i did not have reading as a habit i was searching,, suddenly i found a file  where i had taken some excerpts of those topics which i felt interesting to have a look again ,,because i was close to shutting the doors of almost all hopes  ,i had nothing to lose really so i took them to read  ,,,it was a tamil book which i had taken some excerpts and i quote in english the excerpts i read in them below

                    "There will be a time in your life when u will be left with a emptiness or loneliness which is inevitable in almost every life--the duration might be different but the occurence are undeniable -its what u compare  the  very moment in ur life with the words "Flame" and "Darkness"---at the moment when u think when the world is  the last place  u wanna be --it is like u will be surrounded by complete darkness in life --engulfed by darkness but even at such a terrible time when loneliness and darkness go hand in hand there will always "be a moment of spark -- a moment where the darkness will be enlightened by a flame --its for u to choose the moment to follow the flame" as the best option because the other "is waiting for darkness to clear which may never occur ultimately leading to us to be forced to follow darkness and eventually get swallowed by it  "

                        This was the excerpt i read twice again and again because it was a monumental assertion of how life is to be seen ,loneliness is scary but it teaches u sumthing --"To Feel Lonely means u were not lonely till the moment u felt so "--for me tht was the spark -i might have lost the most beautiful mom in  the world ,the best girl imaginable  and couple of others to fate but still there had to be sumthing else which prevented me from feeling lonely all this while  ,,"that lonely"--for me my passion for words ignited my thoughts --and thankfully i had my best soulmate who was forever there to read my words and couple of frds who were always there to hold me when i was down never mind seein them was a improbability ,,but i felt the spark--i saw the flame and desperately clung on to it ,,for the next few days i dwelled only on them and nothing else

                        For me it is nothing short of victory to be here again doing what i love most after what i had gone through in the last fortnight --for me it was about words--for u it might be sumthin else--but there is a simple line  we have to remember through everythin--- Be it loneliness,,scariness,fear or   any other terrifyin  feeling ---THERE IS A WAY THROUGH EVERYTHIN -sayin it from the bottom of my heart after feeling every bit of it ,

Cheers -See ya very soon :)

Sumtimes the Inspiration u r looking might very well be "You".

This blog is sumwhat different from my blogs ,,its collection of true heart quotes of two persons whom i know dearly ,,or let it be two fantasy persons --but ultimately i felt that is reflection of what a persons mind genuinely goes through during tough times and the right spirit of two entirely diffferent mindsets end at same point--

 

"Im not brave--Im not fearless,,Im alone-But I have faith in me as long as i breath

every time im down --i try to rise --and will do till the day i keep on trying--because

sumwhere ,,sumone is watchin ---to emulate u,dont search for that person -dont stop

trying either--because sumtimes its not a question of living -its question of fighting

the inner demons and winning them fair and square-sumone else is waiting for baton

to be passed and carry the journey"

The other guy equally going through troubled times feels

"Im scared if the next moment is the last -have i done my bit? --Are there ppl who still

care about me? ,,do i have hurt sumone without sayin sorry?,,,im sick ,,will i be up to

rectify all these ,,what abt my future ,,my wife ,my to be born baby who is yet to see

the world -what am i gonna do ---I dont have answers to all these but i have

only one thing for sure ,,i will rise again at any cost "

Two persons going through hell ,incident after incident ,,accident after accident ,,trouble after trouble,,humiliation after humiliation,struggle after struggle ,,yet inbetween there are moments that are sprinkled with joy ,,very few ,,the other factors outshine them and throw them to pieces to be noticed ,,yet sumwhere there is this feeling for stronger of the two

"I give a damn as long as im alive i will keep punching above my weight "

The other more fragile loner with nothing to back except his will and unseen love from very few souls -reflected the same feelings in different manner

"I dont have guts to quit --so im gona do what i usually do--keep tryin to rise "

 In  reality both have a common end point although in a different perspective 

It doesnt need a film or leader or a winner or a known person to be a inspiration to you when you are down --"SUMTIMES THE INSPIRATION MIGHT BE WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY "

"Keep Fighting and Keep Rising "

Cheers

Yes Birthdays are wonderful unforgettable days in life !!

                                     As i wished my darling sister Pinku  a birthday wish on early hours of today albeit for a minute ,,it felt wonderful,,so wonderful that it could not be put in words ,,generally all birthdays of my close ones have been the same way and im not a teenage guy ,,but birthdays never stopped me exciting even if it was for not for me but my closed ones  ,,At that moment i got a thought --Whats the most wonderful wish i have got in my life ?i instantly remembered a memorable wish  which i quote as from the person
                                  

                        
         "Happy birthday to you--May u live a long happy life  and let my voice be the one u hear last "
                                   At that point of time ,,when life was bubbling with endless fun,,it seemed just another filmi dialogue ---but now when i remember the card and person --it felt different --it meant special --to be part of sumones happy thoughts is not easy ,,,thats why i feel birthdays of close ones should be given some importance because the mark that it leaves in your heart by doing so is "Indeligible"
                                 I had this obsession from my young age to ask people whom i confront regularly abt their date of birth and their age ,,,initially it was out of stupid childish fun,,but later it became a sort of habit where i recorded instantly when sumone close said abt their bdays ,,it got to my mind that sumhow it was a special never meant to be forgotten,,Im now 30 --i have been doin this for last 25 yrs ,,i rarely forget my close frds bdays even now  ,,for me it is joy to be part of  other persons bday because it brought me happiness to make sumone happy ,,in reality birthdays are meant only to be so ,,arent they ?
                              Have u ever asked yourself ---Which is most precious bday gift ?Which was my unforgettable bday ?What was biggest surprising incident of my birthday life ?--think in any way there will be sumthin that happened on your birthdays ,,it is that sort of day ,,its not a day where u r meant to give or receive gifts to mark it special ,,ITS YOUR PART IN THAT MORE THAN ANYTHIN
                               For me my birthday celebrations were very less as i had few frds and it always fell during exams in school and college --i rarely celebrated it in big way ,,although there is no denial of me having a special remembrance in every bday of mine ,,this blog site is a bday gift from my brother dipu which came as a pleasant surprise and one of the best gifts i have had ever had and will have in my life and there was one special incident i remember i celebrated with a small girl many years ago
                             " After a whole day of my birthday had gone dull with nothing as is the case of 25 plus guys ,i went to meet a small girl whom i had named as "Small Subha "--expecting nothing but went to give chocolates to her and her friends before calling it a day --i just had a chat with her and gave the chocolates and felt it a customary act to complete wht i came gave the chocolates,,but then the tiny little darling girl held my hand when i was about to leave she caught my hand and said "anna happy bday this is for u "--she had in her hands a tiny single piece of cake with 26 match sticks arranged in orderly manner and asked me to blew that for her --i felt speechless ,,at that time she was surviving from life consuming disease and with no family to support --she was surviving on her will and heart .
                             I had tears in my eyes --probably the last time i was left speechless with heart full of happiness and eye full of tears in gratitude --on my birthday ---Small subha --is no more ---she finally succumbed to that disease after showing a lion hearted fighting spirit surviving the disease on will more than anything ,,but she lived a special life --and there is not a single birthday that goes without thinking abt her --i always get a smile thinkin abt the incident --i wished always to be that in others birthdays -remembering you for right reasons is very important -near you or far away from u doesnt matter
                         Life goes in a flash --u dont have 100 birthdays to be part of ur closer ones or the ones u love ,,,beyond restriction of pressures ,commitments ,,work ,,there is sumthing important to make a contribution in others life whatever minor way it may be ,,and what  better to do it than our loved ones  birthday --Life is not only to live our way but to share it with the ppl who matter in our lives  ,,it is a unparalled joy incomparable to anythin ,,,so always when u think --its just a close ones birthday --rememeber to be a part of it as long as possible because life doesnt go the way we wish --lets make the special moments count and count in a memorable way to be remembered for lifetime
Cheers


                                 

" I Miss You"-A word of mystical beauty!!!

                                       I recently wrote to sumone so close to me in a mail  "I Miss you "with a heavy heart and once i finished writing that i got a thought --this word has followed  me peculiarly for longer than i can imagine ,and a thought crossed in my mind to think about the same a little deeply 

                                              "Love"is the word that is most in the world want to feel the best ,,,nothing comes close to that ,,but for me the word "Missing u"is the word that always had a mystically beautiful value than any other word in my life.      
                                               The first time i said the word was with my first standard teacher --"I Miss u teacher "--Mrs.Rozario ,,,it seemed then a meaningless expression of saying goodbye to sumeone ,,then as in school days it is not much used as u r a tight knit with students ,teachers and family ---The word "MissU " never pros up in young age where life is like roses in garden frozen of our innocence ,,i sumtimes wondered why life seemed frozen with happiness during the school days --why was all these mystical pain then not  there?,,,we were bound by all yet unbound by fate,,unpressured by society ,but ever since those days got over ,,when innocence paved way to shattering realities ,when a beauttful frozen part of life melted to realities in matter of seconds ,,,
                           
                                I   heard  once quite a phrase in my school days which was a Anglo Indian School  
                                             "I send you as a sheep among wolves "--- dont remember exact reference of the quote but it was words i remembered very well for long time ,,but when life unfolded this is what i got to know  --it was perfect summarisation of life in a nutshell where the denial comes only from non acceptance of truth 
                  
                                              At a time in  my teenage where i was made to believe that love was all that u should have and go for life --i felt alien to it ,,it never came to me nor  did i go near it ,,but the word missing haunted me as a pack of wolves ,,that is what i perceived it then , i said it more times than the word love in my life --I was scared for sumtime to say that word as i felt it would mean ending whatever happiness i had ,,that was scary thought in itself ,,accepting was like a nightmare .
                                            
                                           After My school days i asked my most respected teacher Mr.Rasheed Sir  in school who is sadly now no more  on farewell day  "Whats the fuss abt this Sir  --I dont miss anyone in school  Sir with a cheeky smile ",,I got a  stern reply "Sumday u will ,,when u do,,just remember life is a lonely journey   where u dont take anyone every minute"--I did not realise it till my college was over ,,,only after that was i grounded to mind boggling reality that missing sumone is inevitable because u r never accompanied by anyone every minute for life
                                              
                                           Missing became a part of my life from then on--Right  from missing my mom,,Missing my Sweetheart,,now Missing My Soulmate ,,Missing all of my best frds because of distance ,,I kept  saying everytime silently "I Miss You"in hope of having a opportunity to spend more real time but we know the reality dont we !!!
                                           
                                           " I wont  say  I will Miss you because i know it ends there whatever there was "--it was uttered by my best friend in girls and probably the only person who i still feel as epitome of kindness who never ever expected me to be otherwise ,,I wish i never said  that to anyone --but as i recently did in that mail--i got a frank realisation that those words are the ultimate expression of gratitude and respect u have on sumone u love and love endlessly ,,,
                                            
                                          "Missing sumone is not a bad thing -its good thing to have because u know u loved sumone dearly even if went unrealised --It is better to have loved sumone to miss them everyday rather than Missing the person  without loving ---
                                
                                           As my sir said "Life is a lonely journey "--i dont regret loving sumone neither do i regret saying "I Miss You "to the person i loved .,,By doing so the relationship might have gone but the love remains forever a happy memory .
Cheers 


                                         
                                          


                                           
                                                    

"PRIDE- THY FALL BY THEE!!!

     Not in greatest moods i heard a quote i read many years ago being quoted again by a person who i learned a lot and was in a conversation when he related that quote with his life and as a advice to me
            
        "I would lose my pride than lose sumone i love--I know when i lose my pride it hurts --but when i lose sumone i love i feel im dead --As far as im concerned im concerned all i want to do is feel alive not dead "

        It came from a person whom i respected lot ,,learned lot ,,,,i was at crossroads of a important decision in my life ,To be a loner with peace or be a struggler with surroundings who come along with a  chain of emotional trauma  was the question ringing in my head--it seemed a question that bugged me for quite a while and i was searchin a answer and maybe she provided it unknowingly .

        Life goes in the path u choose and not necessarily in the way  you  wished it to be --the only way we can win a loved persons ego or attitude is leaving our own --99 times out of 100 it never happens ,,why ?the question of pride steps in --and once that steps in then automatically the words BREAK UP,PAINS ,TEARS all follow --its like the word comes with all these BONUS features ,,and more after that . Still not beleive this --i have heard the following --i bet sumwhere u might have witnessed or heard it too
     A father has a tiff with his son on a incident and he finally swears" i will never see u again  for"THIS" act of yours "
      A brother or sister having a tiff after marriage in their lives with seperate families after a incident "I hope u will be good wherever you are --after "THIS" incident its tough to be same "
      Two friends  after a misunderstanding  say to themselves "How could he do this to me ?im not gonna be in touch with him /her again after "THIS "incident  
       A husband or wife part way with each other quoting"After "THIS" there is nothin"and in most cases it is not about infedility or wrong doings it is basic misunderstanding on one or two issues ,,again my perspectve from what i have heard,seen and felt

       and in many other relationships it is that same final line with the word "THIS"
     
         Now in all there is some word i have highlighted --the word "THIS"---that to me isthe real sad part of any relationship that is on crossroads --you summarise a whole relatonship on the basis of "THIS ONE INCIDENT"--Seriously??? --if we sit and think deeply it is  not the truth --the question of hurting our "PRIDE"is ignited by one incident ---and subsequently we are ready for any consequences ---alas the bigger picture is never seen --there should have been hell a lot of good reasons for that relationship to be formed and trusted --but  the breaking part comes the moment the question of hurting ones  pride sets in ,,
       "  Pride is probably the worst possible demon in mind  if uncontrolled --for the simple reason it always ends up being a winner --but who is  the loser --everyone involved --thats why its the worst possible demon if uncontrolled --it should be a pinch in our lives and not what our lives are about "
         Back to my question which was ringing my heads --"Whether be a loner --be at a fake peace --and with pride intact "or "Be a struggler with hell of lot disappointments "i got only one line in my mind
"PRIDE --THY FALL BY THEE"----and all i want to be as of now is not to be a example for that ,,only time will tell
:):)

A Lesson Learnt !!!!

                           "Life keeps showing  you doors to wisdom --its left for us to find the keys "

     

                                      I lived for best part of my life in Trichy-- more than 25 years--and i lived in a higher end of society -- a society where u r restricted to follow others perceptions without a option or have a wrong perception about sumthing and strictly beleive forever --atleast that is what i saw myself in ---was having a great time there --taking care of business and having less  pressure never allowed me to see people as they are 

                                    Here in Chennai  I used to visit beaches at wee hours of night --nature is my only friend who never expects me to be otherwise --rarely do i interact with people there ,,but sumhow the beautiful place it is has become some sort of place where people try to view it as a spot where u can make money by various means ,,one such time some months back during very late  hours i happened to come across few people who were transgenders --i always from my younger days had some sort of aversion on such people for the very basic reason that i was brought up in a surrounding where they were treated with utter disrespect and money was thrown on their faces for them with frown faces and angry words said in utter dismay 

                                   That same habit followed me here too ,,that time not to be disturbed and already having a aversion thought i immediately gave whtever i had in my hand --thinking a 10 rupee note that time accidentally had given a 100 rupee note in haste of chasing them away  ,and they left immediately ,i continued my gaze on sea ,,today in a lot calm mind i drove down to beach again and was walking along the shores just watchin people move around,,kids playing around ,,suddenly i saw sumone coming towards me and  saw a person coming me to say h r u ---i hardly could remember the face ,,,the person continued saying and i quote from the persons own word "I just saw you and remembered that u gave me a 100 rupee note that day --did not say thanks then ,came to say that "--I again already having a aversion on such persons said  "Ok no probs"--took out some money to chase them away --i had this habit for long as i saw this the only way to end conversation with them ,,

                                  The transgender person replied "No thanks --i did not come to get money --i as a person have gone through tortures for accepting money far less than what u gave that day --i dont know  with what mind u gave that day  but u did that  without asking anything from me  --i wanna give u my blessings for that day --kept her hand on me ,,blessed me with words and left in a trace--everythin happened in a blink of a eye "In truth that was a very painful reflection of their life ,,how they are forced to do sumthin against their wish by lot of people  and the rest who dont torture them ---are like me with wrong fixed thoughts for years.

                                 25 years my perception on particular division of people was proved wrong --i felt ashamed and strange for a change --i took great pride in not believing what others perceived and here i was following what others perceived and not trying to find it for myself  ,,it was weird feeling driving back home ---i suppose i felt bit embarrased but that is nothing compared to what those people go through every day and every minute for no fault of theirs and becoming a prey to social pressure ,,after all they are human beings too --i saw them for all these years in wrong way --i saw them differently  now--they seemed like human beings with dignity and that should have been the way long time back .A Lesson learnt alrite :)

Cheers 

God is kind even if he seems rude --Luv u lot Mom(On her 9th death anniversary)

           A blog -to the greatest human being i ever had and will have in my life

            In  luving memory of my mom on her 9th anniversary ,of the person who made me  what im -Love u lot mom

           "Miracles dont last forever--just that i lost one too soon "

           Novemeber 4,2002 -Diwali Day
                             That diwali remembers so fresh in my mind --it was raining very heavily outside ,there were lights everywhere --little did i know the lights of my life was abt to go on the same day ,i was not able to enter my house --i thought i had not much friends in my school life or college life --only on that day i knew my mom who used to come to my school and college had so many sons who considered her as their own mother ---the moment i realised life goes in a flash but not the deeds of a noble person --noble in every sense that i could not see one set of eyes among the huge crowd without a wet eye ,,tears were rolling from me eyes  in shock and awe of what a life my mom had lived ---the people around me ,,around the house ,,around the final cremation made me think --what it is gona take to do sumthing for her to be proud of me ?Nothin could ever make her unhappy abt me --for she loved me like none--understood me like none --and never expected me to fulfil her dreams ,,,
                           Probably that is the main reason why moms are magical ,,they never expect you to be sumone else --they never want u to be their dream son or daughter,,,,the key is realising when they are with u abt it  --I broke the gods pictures that were there in my pooja room ,,in anger,shock and a loss to accept i have lost all what i had!!!i never wanted to live another day then ,,never wanted to smile again,,,never wanted to find a way to realise her dreams ,,I cursed god ,,,abused ppl who tried to console me ,,closed the doors to the outer world terrified that i might not be able to hear or feel that i have lost the most precious person i had
                          My smile deserted me ,,my mates who had come to send off my mother duly departed with heavy hearts --my tears also deserted me as i drained out all i had and felt sumtimes i might have easily drowned me in my tears that time ,,,i thought there will not be another day ,,not be another time i will go to god ,,not another time i will be better to ppl --seemed so sure

 
      Novemeber   3,2011 --On the eve of 9 th anniversary ever since that shocking day
                             That 9 years have gone since that fateful day --is no easy feet to live those 9 years --for sumone who had heart as brittle as u could imagine ---but every passing year was a learning experience-learning to live with the pains ,,with the scars ,,,,the smiles got replaced by fake ones --the truth that having had sumone so special could not have come without Gods help started sinking in--rather than cursin him i began to accept it was only because of him i got to know what a great human being i had in life     
          "Silence  is  sumwhat considered as the least expression where nothing is conveyed --but for me its  only way i speak to my mom these days--she understood it then and im sure shes doing it now too "--While it is always easy to put the blame on god for every misfortune --its sumtimes better to accept the fate that it was always meant to happen --miracles dont last forever ---After all god is not rude always --its just we dont realise what we have when we have .Probably hearing ppl abt her ,,,thinking abt her --my mom would be probably the only person i envy so much in life ---and i know she would not be angry on a me for this thought -she was that damn good a person and i keep hearing nothing but good things abt her even now--its unimaginable in todays world for me to find sumone half as good as her ,,so all the more reason that i should be thankful to god than feel bad ---it still sucks badly when i see her in photo ,,i feel so gutted to stand in hotels for food every day ,,it feels terrible to see her things in a shelf ,,,i feel horribly low on the date she passed away ---but beyond all this its important tht to feel all these "I HAD HER FOR SUMTIME "--Moms are incomparable ---tht relation remains the same till the last day of our lives ,,,
             Writing all this is a minor consolation for me ,,i disappointed her when she was with me by not going for what she wanted --now i wanna rectify everythin but nothin will change --but as much as it is heart wrenching to write it ,,i feel every yr on her anniversary i realise tht  i have got  to accept more responsibilites and more importantly  have no hatred on anyone ,,--because she had no hatred on anyone till her last and it shows years after shes gone ppl who were known to her still remember her for everythin she did ---everythin she did was good and simple --Living a life what she wished is the best possible gift i could give her and tht is what keeps me going rather than stopping with the pain--
          With the belief sumday i will make her proud and sumday she will see from top and smile really ,,i continue the journey ,,after all surely  god cannot be rude at all as perceived then ,,
       Miss u hell a lot now --u were all i had then --and now too --its a monumental struggle to see  every day without u--but i will surely  do with ur words and thoughts --thanks for being there Luv u mom ---so much forever and ever till time exist
                                                                                Luving Son Shanmu

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Just For Fun--Irritatingly Funny Questions and Replies!!!

                             After a gap that felt like eternity --back here again doing what i love  most ---this time after seeing lot of Mr.Bean comedies  recently for umpteenth time --i was thinking about sum funny stuffs tht go unnoticed in our lives --in the midst of always serious stuff

                      Some of the frequent questions and replies  tht come out in  scenarios u wish u were not in :)(sum experienced by me sum by my buddies)

         *  When your dad comes and ask to u "Whom do u want to marry?-we jump up to say the name of the girl we love but then remaining part of question comes up -----Out of these girls i chose for u ,, "

         *  When ur frd who fails to return the money borrowed from u ,,meets u accidentally and says "hey i was coming straight to ur house --just when we think we r gona get money --he completes the reply --TO ASK U SUM MORE TIME " 

        *  When a doctor whom we go for consultation first time asks the first question--"Where do u work and what do u do ?(easy way to judge the fee amount)

        *    When ur sister comes up to u and asks exactly when u dont have a single penny at end of month "Bro can u buy me a new nokia phone"

         *    When ur dad catches u red handed with ur love ---a guy always has to say  --"dad i was goin to say abt this to u today and blinks helplessly"

         *    When u make ur girlfrd wait for 5 mins and she asks u ---"why so fast --all work done?"

         *    When u see sumone u dont want to see ,,the first question from them  is "I was just thinking abt u"

         *    When  ur office employee comes in the midst of heated discussion and asks "Sir do u want anythin??

         *   When u pass all the interviews in a company and they finally they say "Congratulations u r appointed --but we forgot to tell u --ur salary is 10 k/month for a job worth more and expected more "

         *   When a friend calls u up at 11  in night and asks --"R u Busy ?"

        *    When sum frd of urs doesnt answer ur call for 10 days and picks up on 11th day and says "Did u call before?

        *  When u make ur gf /future wife meet ur mom and she comes with a spontaneous reply "Son --r u sure ?

         *  When the site engineer who takes ages to complete ur work comes up and asks --"How r u  sir "'\

        *  When ur grandpa or  grandma talks to u for hrs irritatin u to no limits  and says finally "How u r so patient ?

    

        *   When u go for a marriage and sumone who knows comes up to u and asks u in marriage hall --"u have time for attending marriages --u cant have a coffee with me "

        *   When ur best sweetheart --goes completely missing --and comes after months asking"did u miss me "

        *   When u comeout of a theatre and meet a known frd in front of theatre ,,he asks "u went for a movie ?"

        *  When ur first love meets u after years --introduces u to her husband and  family sayin--hey looks whos here --my best brother like frd in my school?

    Sumtimes u r left speechless--thts all i can say,cheers

Even When Darkness Falls In Ur Life Just Soldier On To Ur Destination!!!

     Life is like walking in the rain --u either hide and take cover or u just get wet !!!

   October 2002--Chennai --Apollo Hospital ;
                                                     Guess everyone do have a rude awakening dark hour in their lives which is inevitable ,,sumtimes life seems the scariest in those hours ,,,our demons come out of us laughing like that they have conquered us fair and square ,,,for me that hour ,,that month ,,,,that year took me to the brink of quitting life itself --my mother was in her final moments in her monumental life --i was scared what life might be now ?--i was sitting duck for my fate to gobble me ,,,every minute i felt i skipped a heart beat ,,i felt the whole world crumbling around me to pieces ,,i had nowhere to hide and nowhere to go ,caught out in broad daylight with my fears engulfing me .
                                                     I prayed it was all a dream --i cried like i would drown sumone with my tears--i knew what was coming and i could do nothing but getting broken to pieces --there is nowhere to hide from your fears because it is within you --i felt knives cut right through me --i saw my dad and relations on the day when the  inevitable happened when mom really became a  angel to me --he remained calm --with few tears unlike all of us ---i felt what was wrong with him---why he is not showing much --it remained a mystery to me then ---but i could not concentrate on myself much then ,,there was no way i could think about anyone else that time ,,but it now shows why he was then being so
                                                   When fears gobble you like there is no tommorow ,,you are left to run for cover where there is none,,,i tried for so many stupid things ,,the tears never stopped ,,the fears stepped in and i was left going nowhere ,it was trial by fire in fire for sumone who never expected the unexpected ,,realities hit me like never before ---it brought into me a dark part of life that i never wished---a easy prey to my inner demons and fears --it stayed so for long and even though i was brought out by good peoples intervention in my life thereafter --there were moments when i felt i was still surrounded by the darkness in  moments which were very precarious

  October 2011- Chennai -Merina Beach
                                                    9 years later ,,in a similar situation although i lost noone this time --i felt i had none to talk to physically as my best frd ,,my close ones at heart ,my best soulmate everyone were far far away --distressed by lack of understanding by ppl around and breaking of trust by couple of ppl who i dearly had as my sisters and a gaping void in personal life not having sumone near who understood me better,,were few of reasons that made me feel very bad and lonely ,,i was just seeing the sea through misty eyes ,,Nature has been my best companion sumtimes ,,it never hits me with angry words ,,never chases me out even when i go at odd wee hours ,,,i just stood thinking why the hell all this ?it seemed darkness had engulfed me again --but this time it was different
                                                  I backed myself to come out of this --the fears tried to make a comeback --the inner demons were knocking ---but i just remembered a phrase from my younger age ---"You fall once make sure u dont again "---either u succumb to it or learn to adapt ---during my times with a wonderful small girl whom i happened to meet in a orphanage ---she had one of her hands very badly damaged --i queried once playing withher --dont u ever feel one of ur hands is like this ---She a 10 year old said --"No brother i have my another hand --see"--i was shell shocked by her maturity and acceptance of brutal truth ---I now can visualise why my dad was calm when my mom left ,,,he had responsibilities ,,he had his duties ,,he knew his destinations is far away --he did not want his tears to stop his journey ,,all this hit my mind and i touched my eyes --i had no tears--i had my guts sayin ---u dont have ur best girl nearby ,,u dont have ur angelic mom nearby ,,u dont have ur best frds nearby,,ur sisters might hav broken ur heart ,,u still cant say the one thing u dearly love ,u dont have anything u wished nor u have ppl who u wished were near u -yet  U STILL HAVE ALL OF YOURSELF --YOUR DESTINATION IS FAR AWAY --THIS TIME DARKNESS WILL ENGULF ME --BUT NOT MY FEARS OR TEARS --I WILL SOLDIER ON FIND MY WAY TO MY DESTINATION --ITS STILL FAR AWAY--IM ON MY WAY ALRIGHT !!
                                                Sumtimes it is not about what you fear at the moment -its about how u manage to find a way to carry yourself forward with those scars --life doesnt stop for anyone and for the one who fears life doest exist at all ,,,know ur destination and just go along no matter what :)