Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Even When Darkness Falls In Ur Life Just Soldier On To Ur Destination!!!

     Life is like walking in the rain --u either hide and take cover or u just get wet !!!

   October 2002--Chennai --Apollo Hospital ;
                                                     Guess everyone do have a rude awakening dark hour in their lives which is inevitable ,,sumtimes life seems the scariest in those hours ,,,our demons come out of us laughing like that they have conquered us fair and square ,,,for me that hour ,,that month ,,,,that year took me to the brink of quitting life itself --my mother was in her final moments in her monumental life --i was scared what life might be now ?--i was sitting duck for my fate to gobble me ,,,every minute i felt i skipped a heart beat ,,i felt the whole world crumbling around me to pieces ,,i had nowhere to hide and nowhere to go ,caught out in broad daylight with my fears engulfing me .
                                                     I prayed it was all a dream --i cried like i would drown sumone with my tears--i knew what was coming and i could do nothing but getting broken to pieces --there is nowhere to hide from your fears because it is within you --i felt knives cut right through me --i saw my dad and relations on the day when the  inevitable happened when mom really became a  angel to me --he remained calm --with few tears unlike all of us ---i felt what was wrong with him---why he is not showing much --it remained a mystery to me then ---but i could not concentrate on myself much then ,,there was no way i could think about anyone else that time ,,but it now shows why he was then being so
                                                   When fears gobble you like there is no tommorow ,,you are left to run for cover where there is none,,,i tried for so many stupid things ,,the tears never stopped ,,the fears stepped in and i was left going nowhere ,it was trial by fire in fire for sumone who never expected the unexpected ,,realities hit me like never before ---it brought into me a dark part of life that i never wished---a easy prey to my inner demons and fears --it stayed so for long and even though i was brought out by good peoples intervention in my life thereafter --there were moments when i felt i was still surrounded by the darkness in  moments which were very precarious

  October 2011- Chennai -Merina Beach
                                                    9 years later ,,in a similar situation although i lost noone this time --i felt i had none to talk to physically as my best frd ,,my close ones at heart ,my best soulmate everyone were far far away --distressed by lack of understanding by ppl around and breaking of trust by couple of ppl who i dearly had as my sisters and a gaping void in personal life not having sumone near who understood me better,,were few of reasons that made me feel very bad and lonely ,,i was just seeing the sea through misty eyes ,,Nature has been my best companion sumtimes ,,it never hits me with angry words ,,never chases me out even when i go at odd wee hours ,,,i just stood thinking why the hell all this ?it seemed darkness had engulfed me again --but this time it was different
                                                  I backed myself to come out of this --the fears tried to make a comeback --the inner demons were knocking ---but i just remembered a phrase from my younger age ---"You fall once make sure u dont again "---either u succumb to it or learn to adapt ---during my times with a wonderful small girl whom i happened to meet in a orphanage ---she had one of her hands very badly damaged --i queried once playing withher --dont u ever feel one of ur hands is like this ---She a 10 year old said --"No brother i have my another hand --see"--i was shell shocked by her maturity and acceptance of brutal truth ---I now can visualise why my dad was calm when my mom left ,,,he had responsibilities ,,he had his duties ,,he knew his destinations is far away --he did not want his tears to stop his journey ,,all this hit my mind and i touched my eyes --i had no tears--i had my guts sayin ---u dont have ur best girl nearby ,,u dont have ur angelic mom nearby ,,u dont have ur best frds nearby,,ur sisters might hav broken ur heart ,,u still cant say the one thing u dearly love ,u dont have anything u wished nor u have ppl who u wished were near u -yet  U STILL HAVE ALL OF YOURSELF --YOUR DESTINATION IS FAR AWAY --THIS TIME DARKNESS WILL ENGULF ME --BUT NOT MY FEARS OR TEARS --I WILL SOLDIER ON FIND MY WAY TO MY DESTINATION --ITS STILL FAR AWAY--IM ON MY WAY ALRIGHT !!
                                                Sumtimes it is not about what you fear at the moment -its about how u manage to find a way to carry yourself forward with those scars --life doesnt stop for anyone and for the one who fears life doest exist at all ,,,know ur destination and just go along no matter what :)

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