Monday, November 28, 2011

Yes Birthdays are wonderful unforgettable days in life !!

                                     As i wished my darling sister Pinku  a birthday wish on early hours of today albeit for a minute ,,it felt wonderful,,so wonderful that it could not be put in words ,,generally all birthdays of my close ones have been the same way and im not a teenage guy ,,but birthdays never stopped me exciting even if it was for not for me but my closed ones  ,,At that moment i got a thought --Whats the most wonderful wish i have got in my life ?i instantly remembered a memorable wish  which i quote as from the person
         "Happy birthday to you--May u live a long happy life  and let my voice be the one u hear last "
                                   At that point of time ,,when life was bubbling with endless fun,,it seemed just another filmi dialogue ---but now when i remember the card and person --it felt different --it meant special --to be part of sumones happy thoughts is not easy ,,,thats why i feel birthdays of close ones should be given some importance because the mark that it leaves in your heart by doing so is "Indeligible"
                                 I had this obsession from my young age to ask people whom i confront regularly abt their date of birth and their age ,,,initially it was out of stupid childish fun,,but later it became a sort of habit where i recorded instantly when sumone close said abt their bdays ,,it got to my mind that sumhow it was a special never meant to be forgotten,,Im now 30 --i have been doin this for last 25 yrs ,,i rarely forget my close frds bdays even now  ,,for me it is joy to be part of  other persons bday because it brought me happiness to make sumone happy ,,in reality birthdays are meant only to be so ,,arent they ?
                              Have u ever asked yourself ---Which is most precious bday gift ?Which was my unforgettable bday ?What was biggest surprising incident of my birthday life ?--think in any way there will be sumthin that happened on your birthdays ,,it is that sort of day ,,its not a day where u r meant to give or receive gifts to mark it special ,,ITS YOUR PART IN THAT MORE THAN ANYTHIN
                               For me my birthday celebrations were very less as i had few frds and it always fell during exams in school and college --i rarely celebrated it in big way ,,although there is no denial of me having a special remembrance in every bday of mine ,,this blog site is a bday gift from my brother dipu which came as a pleasant surprise and one of the best gifts i have had ever had and will have in my life and there was one special incident i remember i celebrated with a small girl many years ago
                             " After a whole day of my birthday had gone dull with nothing as is the case of 25 plus guys ,i went to meet a small girl whom i had named as "Small Subha "--expecting nothing but went to give chocolates to her and her friends before calling it a day --i just had a chat with her and gave the chocolates and felt it a customary act to complete wht i came gave the chocolates,,but then the tiny little darling girl held my hand when i was about to leave she caught my hand and said "anna happy bday this is for u "--she had in her hands a tiny single piece of cake with 26 match sticks arranged in orderly manner and asked me to blew that for her --i felt speechless ,,at that time she was surviving from life consuming disease and with no family to support --she was surviving on her will and heart .
                             I had tears in my eyes --probably the last time i was left speechless with heart full of happiness and eye full of tears in gratitude --on my birthday ---Small subha --is no more ---she finally succumbed to that disease after showing a lion hearted fighting spirit surviving the disease on will more than anything ,,but she lived a special life --and there is not a single birthday that goes without thinking abt her --i always get a smile thinkin abt the incident --i wished always to be that in others birthdays -remembering you for right reasons is very important -near you or far away from u doesnt matter
                         Life goes in a flash --u dont have 100 birthdays to be part of ur closer ones or the ones u love ,,,beyond restriction of pressures ,commitments ,,work ,,there is sumthing important to make a contribution in others life whatever minor way it may be ,,and what  better to do it than our loved ones  birthday --Life is not only to live our way but to share it with the ppl who matter in our lives  ,,it is a unparalled joy incomparable to anythin ,,,so always when u think --its just a close ones birthday --rememeber to be a part of it as long as possible because life doesnt go the way we wish --lets make the special moments count and count in a memorable way to be remembered for lifetime


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

" I Miss You"-A word of mystical beauty!!!

                                       I recently wrote to sumone so close to me in a mail  "I Miss you "with a heavy heart and once i finished writing that i got a thought --this word has followed  me peculiarly for longer than i can imagine ,and a thought crossed in my mind to think about the same a little deeply 

                                              "Love"is the word that is most in the world want to feel the best ,,,nothing comes close to that ,,but for me the word "Missing u"is the word that always had a mystically beautiful value than any other word in my life.      
                                               The first time i said the word was with my first standard teacher --"I Miss u teacher "--Mrs.Rozario ,,,it seemed then a meaningless expression of saying goodbye to sumeone ,,then as in school days it is not much used as u r a tight knit with students ,teachers and family ---The word "MissU " never pros up in young age where life is like roses in garden frozen of our innocence ,,i sumtimes wondered why life seemed frozen with happiness during the school days --why was all these mystical pain then not  there?,,,we were bound by all yet unbound by fate,,unpressured by society ,but ever since those days got over ,,when innocence paved way to shattering realities ,when a beauttful frozen part of life melted to realities in matter of seconds ,,,
                                I   heard  once quite a phrase in my school days which was a Anglo Indian School  
                                             "I send you as a sheep among wolves "--- dont remember exact reference of the quote but it was words i remembered very well for long time ,,but when life unfolded this is what i got to know  --it was perfect summarisation of life in a nutshell where the denial comes only from non acceptance of truth 
                                              At a time in  my teenage where i was made to believe that love was all that u should have and go for life --i felt alien to it ,,it never came to me nor  did i go near it ,,but the word missing haunted me as a pack of wolves ,,that is what i perceived it then , i said it more times than the word love in my life --I was scared for sumtime to say that word as i felt it would mean ending whatever happiness i had ,,that was scary thought in itself ,,accepting was like a nightmare .
                                           After My school days i asked my most respected teacher Mr.Rasheed Sir  in school who is sadly now no more  on farewell day  "Whats the fuss abt this Sir  --I dont miss anyone in school  Sir with a cheeky smile ",,I got a  stern reply "Sumday u will ,,when u do,,just remember life is a lonely journey   where u dont take anyone every minute"--I did not realise it till my college was over ,,,only after that was i grounded to mind boggling reality that missing sumone is inevitable because u r never accompanied by anyone every minute for life
                                           Missing became a part of my life from then on--Right  from missing my mom,,Missing my Sweetheart,,now Missing My Soulmate ,,Missing all of my best frds because of distance ,,I kept  saying everytime silently "I Miss You"in hope of having a opportunity to spend more real time but we know the reality dont we !!!
                                           " I wont  say  I will Miss you because i know it ends there whatever there was "--it was uttered by my best friend in girls and probably the only person who i still feel as epitome of kindness who never ever expected me to be otherwise ,,I wish i never said  that to anyone --but as i recently did in that mail--i got a frank realisation that those words are the ultimate expression of gratitude and respect u have on sumone u love and love endlessly ,,,
                                          "Missing sumone is not a bad thing -its good thing to have because u know u loved sumone dearly even if went unrealised --It is better to have loved sumone to miss them everyday rather than Missing the person  without loving ---
                                           As my sir said "Life is a lonely journey "--i dont regret loving sumone neither do i regret saying "I Miss You "to the person i loved .,,By doing so the relationship might have gone but the love remains forever a happy memory .



Sunday, November 20, 2011


     Not in greatest moods i heard a quote i read many years ago being quoted again by a person who i learned a lot and was in a conversation when he related that quote with his life and as a advice to me
        "I would lose my pride than lose sumone i love--I know when i lose my pride it hurts --but when i lose sumone i love i feel im dead --As far as im concerned im concerned all i want to do is feel alive not dead "

        It came from a person whom i respected lot ,,learned lot ,,,,i was at crossroads of a important decision in my life ,To be a loner with peace or be a struggler with surroundings who come along with a  chain of emotional trauma  was the question ringing in my head--it seemed a question that bugged me for quite a while and i was searchin a answer and maybe she provided it unknowingly .
        Life goes in the path u choose and not necessarily in the way  you  wished it to be --the only way we can win a loved persons ego or attitude is leaving our own --99 times out of 100 it never happens ,,why ?the question of pride steps in --and once that steps in then automatically the words BREAK UP,PAINS ,TEARS all follow --its like the word comes with all these BONUS features ,,and more after that . Still not beleive this --i have heard the following --i bet sumwhere u might have witnessed or heard it too
     A father has a tiff with his son on a incident and he finally swears" i will never see u again  for"THIS" act of yours "
      A brother or sister having a tiff after marriage in their lives with seperate families after a incident "I hope u will be good wherever you are --after "THIS" incident its tough to be same "
      Two friends  after a misunderstanding  say to themselves "How could he do this to me ?im not gonna be in touch with him /her again after "THIS "incident  
       A husband or wife part way with each other quoting"After "THIS" there is nothin"and in most cases it is not about infedility or wrong doings it is basic misunderstanding on one or two issues ,,again my perspectve from what i have heard,seen and felt

       and in many other relationships it is that same final line with the word "THIS"
         Now in all there is some word i have highlighted --the word "THIS"---that to me isthe real sad part of any relationship that is on crossroads --you summarise a whole relatonship on the basis of "THIS ONE INCIDENT"--Seriously??? --if we sit and think deeply it is  not the truth --the question of hurting our "PRIDE"is ignited by one incident ---and subsequently we are ready for any consequences ---alas the bigger picture is never seen --there should have been hell a lot of good reasons for that relationship to be formed and trusted --but  the breaking part comes the moment the question of hurting ones  pride sets in ,,
       "  Pride is probably the worst possible demon in mind  if uncontrolled --for the simple reason it always ends up being a winner --but who is  the loser --everyone involved --thats why its the worst possible demon if uncontrolled --it should be a pinch in our lives and not what our lives are about "
         Back to my question which was ringing my heads --"Whether be a loner --be at a fake peace --and with pride intact "or "Be a struggler with hell of lot disappointments "i got only one line in my mind
"PRIDE --THY FALL BY THEE"----and all i want to be as of now is not to be a example for that ,,only time will tell

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Lesson Learnt !!!!

                           "Life keeps showing  you doors to wisdom --its left for us to find the keys "
                                      I lived for best part of my life in Trichy-- more than 25 years--and i lived in a higher end of society -- a society where u r restricted to follow others perceptions without a option or have a wrong perception about sumthing and strictly beleive forever --atleast that is what i saw myself in ---was having a great time there --taking care of business and having less  pressure never allowed me to see people as they are 

                                    Here in Chennai  I used to visit beaches at wee hours of night --nature is my only friend who never expects me to be otherwise --rarely do i interact with people there ,,but sumhow the beautiful place it is has become some sort of place where people try to view it as a spot where u can make money by various means ,,one such time some months back during very late  hours i happened to come across few people who were transgenders --i always from my younger days had some sort of aversion on such people for the very basic reason that i was brought up in a surrounding where they were treated with utter disrespect and money was thrown on their faces for them with frown faces and angry words said in utter dismay 

                                   That same habit followed me here too ,,that time not to be disturbed and already having a aversion thought i immediately gave whtever i had in my hand --thinking a 10 rupee note that time accidentally had given a 100 rupee note in haste of chasing them away  ,and they left immediately ,i continued my gaze on sea ,,today in a lot calm mind i drove down to beach again and was walking along the shores just watchin people move around,,kids playing around ,,suddenly i saw sumone coming towards me and  saw a person coming me to say h r u ---i hardly could remember the face ,,,the person continued saying and i quote from the persons own word "I just saw you and remembered that u gave me a 100 rupee note that day --did not say thanks then ,came to say that "--I again already having a aversion on such persons said  "Ok no probs"--took out some money to chase them away --i had this habit for long as i saw this the only way to end conversation with them ,,

                                  The transgender person replied "No thanks --i did not come to get money --i as a person have gone through tortures for accepting money far less than what u gave that day --i dont know  with what mind u gave that day  but u did that  without asking anything from me  --i wanna give u my blessings for that day --kept her hand on me ,,blessed me with words and left in a trace--everythin happened in a blink of a eye "In truth that was a very painful reflection of their life ,,how they are forced to do sumthin against their wish by lot of people  and the rest who dont torture them ---are like me with wrong fixed thoughts for years.

                                 25 years my perception on particular division of people was proved wrong --i felt ashamed and strange for a change --i took great pride in not believing what others perceived and here i was following what others perceived and not trying to find it for myself  ,,it was weird feeling driving back home ---i suppose i felt bit embarrased but that is nothing compared to what those people go through every day and every minute for no fault of theirs and becoming a prey to social pressure ,,after all they are human beings too --i saw them for all these years in wrong way --i saw them differently  now--they seemed like human beings with dignity and that should have been the way long time back .A Lesson learnt alrite :)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

God is kind even if he seems rude --Luv u lot Mom(On her 9th death anniversary)

           A blog -to the greatest human being i ever had and will have in my life

            In  luving memory of my mom on her 9th anniversary ,of the person who made me  what im -Love u lot mom

           "Miracles dont last forever--just that i lost one too soon "

           Novemeber 4,2002 -Diwali Day
                             That diwali remembers so fresh in my mind --it was raining very heavily outside ,there were lights everywhere --little did i know the lights of my life was abt to go on the same day ,i was not able to enter my house --i thought i had not much friends in my school life or college life --only on that day i knew my mom who used to come to my school and college had so many sons who considered her as their own mother ---the moment i realised life goes in a flash but not the deeds of a noble person --noble in every sense that i could not see one set of eyes among the huge crowd without a wet eye ,,tears were rolling from me eyes  in shock and awe of what a life my mom had lived ---the people around me ,,around the house ,,around the final cremation made me think --what it is gona take to do sumthing for her to be proud of me ?Nothin could ever make her unhappy abt me --for she loved me like none--understood me like none --and never expected me to fulfil her dreams ,,,
                           Probably that is the main reason why moms are magical ,,they never expect you to be sumone else --they never want u to be their dream son or daughter,,,,the key is realising when they are with u abt it  --I broke the gods pictures that were there in my pooja room ,,in anger,shock and a loss to accept i have lost all what i had!!!i never wanted to live another day then ,,never wanted to smile again,,,never wanted to find a way to realise her dreams ,,I cursed god ,,,abused ppl who tried to console me ,,closed the doors to the outer world terrified that i might not be able to hear or feel that i have lost the most precious person i had
                          My smile deserted me ,,my mates who had come to send off my mother duly departed with heavy hearts --my tears also deserted me as i drained out all i had and felt sumtimes i might have easily drowned me in my tears that time ,,,i thought there will not be another day ,,not be another time i will go to god ,,not another time i will be better to ppl --seemed so sure
      Novemeber   3,2011 --On the eve of 9 th anniversary ever since that shocking day
                             That 9 years have gone since that fateful day --is no easy feet to live those 9 years --for sumone who had heart as brittle as u could imagine ---but every passing year was a learning experience-learning to live with the pains ,,with the scars ,,,,the smiles got replaced by fake ones --the truth that having had sumone so special could not have come without Gods help started sinking in--rather than cursin him i began to accept it was only because of him i got to know what a great human being i had in life     
          "Silence  is  sumwhat considered as the least expression where nothing is conveyed --but for me its  only way i speak to my mom these days--she understood it then and im sure shes doing it now too "--While it is always easy to put the blame on god for every misfortune --its sumtimes better to accept the fate that it was always meant to happen --miracles dont last forever ---After all god is not rude always --its just we dont realise what we have when we have .Probably hearing ppl abt her ,,,thinking abt her --my mom would be probably the only person i envy so much in life ---and i know she would not be angry on a me for this thought -she was that damn good a person and i keep hearing nothing but good things abt her even now--its unimaginable in todays world for me to find sumone half as good as her ,,so all the more reason that i should be thankful to god than feel bad ---it still sucks badly when i see her in photo ,,i feel so gutted to stand in hotels for food every day ,,it feels terrible to see her things in a shelf ,,,i feel horribly low on the date she passed away ---but beyond all this its important tht to feel all these "I HAD HER FOR SUMTIME "--Moms are incomparable ---tht relation remains the same till the last day of our lives ,,,
             Writing all this is a minor consolation for me ,,i disappointed her when she was with me by not going for what she wanted --now i wanna rectify everythin but nothin will change --but as much as it is heart wrenching to write it ,,i feel every yr on her anniversary i realise tht  i have got  to accept more responsibilites and more importantly  have no hatred on anyone ,,--because she had no hatred on anyone till her last and it shows years after shes gone ppl who were known to her still remember her for everythin she did ---everythin she did was good and simple --Living a life what she wished is the best possible gift i could give her and tht is what keeps me going rather than stopping with the pain--
          With the belief sumday i will make her proud and sumday she will see from top and smile really ,,i continue the journey ,,after all surely  god cannot be rude at all as perceived then ,,
       Miss u hell a lot now --u were all i had then --and now too --its a monumental struggle to see  every day without u--but i will surely  do with ur words and thoughts --thanks for being there Luv u mom ---so much forever and ever till time exist
                                                                                Luving Son Shanmu