Thursday, November 3, 2011

God is kind even if he seems rude --Luv u lot Mom(On her 9th death anniversary)

           A blog -to the greatest human being i ever had and will have in my life

            In  luving memory of my mom on her 9th anniversary ,of the person who made me  what im -Love u lot mom

           "Miracles dont last forever--just that i lost one too soon "

           Novemeber 4,2002 -Diwali Day
                             That diwali remembers so fresh in my mind --it was raining very heavily outside ,there were lights everywhere --little did i know the lights of my life was abt to go on the same day ,i was not able to enter my house --i thought i had not much friends in my school life or college life --only on that day i knew my mom who used to come to my school and college had so many sons who considered her as their own mother ---the moment i realised life goes in a flash but not the deeds of a noble person --noble in every sense that i could not see one set of eyes among the huge crowd without a wet eye ,,tears were rolling from me eyes  in shock and awe of what a life my mom had lived ---the people around me ,,around the house ,,around the final cremation made me think --what it is gona take to do sumthing for her to be proud of me ?Nothin could ever make her unhappy abt me --for she loved me like none--understood me like none --and never expected me to fulfil her dreams ,,,
                           Probably that is the main reason why moms are magical ,,they never expect you to be sumone else --they never want u to be their dream son or daughter,,,,the key is realising when they are with u abt it  --I broke the gods pictures that were there in my pooja room ,,in anger,shock and a loss to accept i have lost all what i had!!!i never wanted to live another day then ,,never wanted to smile again,,,never wanted to find a way to realise her dreams ,,I cursed god ,,,abused ppl who tried to console me ,,closed the doors to the outer world terrified that i might not be able to hear or feel that i have lost the most precious person i had
                          My smile deserted me ,,my mates who had come to send off my mother duly departed with heavy hearts --my tears also deserted me as i drained out all i had and felt sumtimes i might have easily drowned me in my tears that time ,,,i thought there will not be another day ,,not be another time i will go to god ,,not another time i will be better to ppl --seemed so sure
      Novemeber   3,2011 --On the eve of 9 th anniversary ever since that shocking day
                             That 9 years have gone since that fateful day --is no easy feet to live those 9 years --for sumone who had heart as brittle as u could imagine ---but every passing year was a learning experience-learning to live with the pains ,,with the scars ,,,,the smiles got replaced by fake ones --the truth that having had sumone so special could not have come without Gods help started sinking in--rather than cursin him i began to accept it was only because of him i got to know what a great human being i had in life     
          "Silence  is  sumwhat considered as the least expression where nothing is conveyed --but for me its  only way i speak to my mom these days--she understood it then and im sure shes doing it now too "--While it is always easy to put the blame on god for every misfortune --its sumtimes better to accept the fate that it was always meant to happen --miracles dont last forever ---After all god is not rude always --its just we dont realise what we have when we have .Probably hearing ppl abt her ,,,thinking abt her --my mom would be probably the only person i envy so much in life ---and i know she would not be angry on a me for this thought -she was that damn good a person and i keep hearing nothing but good things abt her even now--its unimaginable in todays world for me to find sumone half as good as her ,,so all the more reason that i should be thankful to god than feel bad ---it still sucks badly when i see her in photo ,,i feel so gutted to stand in hotels for food every day ,,it feels terrible to see her things in a shelf ,,,i feel horribly low on the date she passed away ---but beyond all this its important tht to feel all these "I HAD HER FOR SUMTIME "--Moms are incomparable ---tht relation remains the same till the last day of our lives ,,,
             Writing all this is a minor consolation for me ,,i disappointed her when she was with me by not going for what she wanted --now i wanna rectify everythin but nothin will change --but as much as it is heart wrenching to write it ,,i feel every yr on her anniversary i realise tht  i have got  to accept more responsibilites and more importantly  have no hatred on anyone ,,--because she had no hatred on anyone till her last and it shows years after shes gone ppl who were known to her still remember her for everythin she did ---everythin she did was good and simple --Living a life what she wished is the best possible gift i could give her and tht is what keeps me going rather than stopping with the pain--
          With the belief sumday i will make her proud and sumday she will see from top and smile really ,,i continue the journey ,,after all surely  god cannot be rude at all as perceived then ,,
       Miss u hell a lot now --u were all i had then --and now too --its a monumental struggle to see  every day without u--but i will surely  do with ur words and thoughts --thanks for being there Luv u mom ---so much forever and ever till time exist
                                                                                Luving Son Shanmu


No comments:

Post a Comment