(Written in no pessimistic feeling for being so lonely in my life at this point of my life rather feeling optimistic that loneliness has shown me truths i never saw before)
"Will you never leave me for gods sake " i asked one of my friends many years ago rudely ---She replied smilingly "Why should I - I dont want to be alone in this world again --already have spent 20 yrs goin through it --u have no idea what is to be in tht space -- All u have in that space is Scary Silence !! "
Not until last few years did i realise the magnamity of those words - but i realised lot more than that --"Loneliness is sumthing noone wishes for -it is a unwanted guest --(undeniable ,unacceptable ,painful --yes --but more than everythin it is hell a lot worth than all that )-"but when it comes it comes as a waterfall with full force --the only thing you could do is getting wet and believing you will not get washed away when it is done ".
The skies seems endless--the nights after work seem colder with every minute-the search for food become so tiring that u wished u were never hungry --the walks alone wishing for more than the fresh air for company --to scale out the borders of life at this juncture is probably the hardest --but sumwhere the more u live with it you learn more about life,people and yourself .Might seem absolutely stupid but that is a truth,,the time before i was pushed to these boundaries it seemed i was not spared a minute as i was swamped by my relatives,friends and neighbours ,,,it was a pleasant headache to have ---but once years started rolling by -people started getting stuck in their own stuff and slowly life seemed too barren and i seemed to have plenty of time for myself as hours seemed like days suddenly .
Frustrations begin to setin --irritated by not having people at the right time at the right hour felt like injustice --ran out of patience --after few breakups and few hiccups --i started realising ---"tht i have no idea what the purpose of the other persons life is all about" --to expect is human --to hope is of love--to wish is of trust ---but when that person is not able to be near you it is sheerly out of inability of contriving situations to bend according to our needs and not selfishness as i foresaw--i met a frd after 1 long yr after mistakin her for leaving abruptly without intimating anything despite being a close frd of mine --when i sat reluctantly to hear her side i did not expect her to have had that horrible torrid time during the same time --a torrid marriage gone wrong --a miscarriage ---hell a lot had happened and i knew nothing--suddenly i felt the other way around of me not being there for her --life seemed lot more mystical .
On my own i started believing it is a better way to know about the people in ur life --probably by being at a distance u understand the value of every person in ur lives--u get ur basics right about the people --at some point by living with loneliness u slowly start to realise more about urself -what to do and what not --pains will remain ,,scars will be there but when u have no option than to accept fate--u begin to unravel simple truths u missed during happy times --simple facts about people u love --ur forgotten passion--so many little things makeup for scary unwanted silence !!
" Tommorow might hold nothing good - this silence might be still prolonging --pain might be endless--but the fact is on the other positive side --its better to be not too close --u will be sure when sumone isnt in ur life in ur most desperate moment --u might very well be doing the same --its not a case of them being selfish but just pushed helpless by nature .
I just remember the quote with the one person i admire a lot for her guts and most probably the rudest girl i have come across my life but still was a special special frd for her absolute frankness in everything she did ,,the last words she told me before she left far away to find happiness --I said to her while bidding farewell ---" See u r goin to feel lonely that you are goin away from me too" --she replied "Being lonely is not a sin --yes it will pain endlessly but i will adapt--my mind is clear --my path is visible --there is a life to live --lonely or not --i will go on for i know my time is not up ,,,yet "
--My inspiration to fight loneliness is her --She lives just 5 hrs from my place --yet i have not seen her for few yrs now we were once close buddies --i know there is a life to live ---with or without anyone ---I Will !!!