Rain --Why does thou look so beautiful every time i see you !!!

         Two nights changed my life and those two nights had one common factor ---"Rain"

             

One cold night in Nov 2002;

          "Decision is yours --We have done our bit --Now----the doctor failed to complete the sentence as he said those words to my family waiting not to hear what he never completed "--My Mom's noble life was drawing to a very premature end --the flashes of thunder on the windows hit on our emotionless faces --finally deciding that mom deserves a fitting farewell we decided to shift her to her favourite place-my home --320 kms apart from chennai to trichy -the travel began --the thunders gave way to relentless rain --i stood outside waiting for the vehicle --For the first time the rain that used to scare me -did not scare me --i was drenched yet i was feeling better --because i knew i would have frozen if not for the rain --i felt like it accompanied me to make me feel bit more comfortable -"it was like rain was wiping my endless tears in the most unfortunate moment of my life till then -It felt  like i needed it --i had it ",

        Till then rain was something i always preferred to just hear from closed doors ,,heavy rains scared me --i did not feel alrite to be in that company because it did not seem a great invitation from nature to join rain whenever it visited ,But as life rolled on --perspectives change expectedly but my admiration to rain changed completely from being ignoring to wishing 

     

Another beautiful night that changed my notion 

                Walking with couple of  friends in the midst of a  heavy rain --one of my frds was giggling no ends in the rain --while i was fuming inside --i was not comfortable at all--"why the hell are u enjoying getting wet --i mean getting drenched is so funny or what --my dresses --everything are ruined ".

She replied "Hmm cool dear --u see it that way --i see this rain slightly differently 

                 "Rain is so beautiful -This is one moment when i feel as the " Irresistable Queen "

                   I might mean noone to anyone but to God  this moment "Im the little girl he wants a   photograph -- So wait a minute shanmu  let me pose--I wanna look like a queen alrite  "

             I was not stunned by tht comment but rather at how for a change rain can be looked into --rather than cursing it all the time ---i said to myself "Hey wait a min --Why not enjoy the company of rain --it might at end of the day be something wonderful!!

                                         I was getting wet  but felt different --rain did not make me uncomfortable after that ,,i had some amazing moments in rain --Once I  cut a birthday cake amidst a breezy ,beautiful  with that same "Rain Friend "--for sumone who rarely had cakes or gifts that was probably one of the most wonderful moments in my life -i felt special-i felt the world was the stage for my birthday --it felt like a dream with every rain drop seemingly like flowers from heaven -possibly because i was with the one person who i admired endlessly "

            "Its raining so heavily as im writing now --I dont have that rain friend or anyone at all now but i seem to forget that all now when i felt the first of few drops reaching ground from up above --my heart jumped out --my mind forgot my troubles -my whole body cycled to the beauty of this magic --this moment that keeps visiting me every now and then in my life --i want to enjoy this luvely smell ,,this luvely breeze ,,and that feeling that "when the raindrops feel like flowers from heaven making u feel refreshed forgettin everythin and enjoyin that moment alone "

            I sign off with one quote i remember when my mom first explained  about rain 

                "Rain is a wonderful gift from nature  to u --it comes to earth to make us happy--   Dont be scared -This will be with u for ur whole life --it comes with tht promise "

                         Words of wisdom takes time to get into ur heart --i still remember the fresh daisy look on my moms face when she uttered those words --the rain drops on her beautiful hair even now seems like decorated flowers from heaven from where now  she must be smiling that im enjoying what she wanted then 

 Signing off seeing happily the same wunderful rain that scared me long before --now its amazing !!!!

Cheers !!!

                                           

                                          

To All The Awesome Dads Of The World -Happy Fathers Day !!!!

"To my dad who showed me the way to live ,the path to reach my dreams ,still remains the inspiration who i dont want to disgrace by any means for all that sincerity,honesty,love and dedication shown for betterment of his family in his life-of course like all the dads in this world  "

           

           Dear Dad ,

           In my yrs of -0-10

          You were the first hero i knew in life

           You were the "first star" whose style i tried to copy

           You were the beginning of the purpose of my life

           You were the king i tried to imitate everyday in my mirror

           You were my first companion to this beautiful place called "world "

           You were the first to give a gift in my life--"a priceless green elephant doll"

           You were the most handsomest man i compared anyone with

           You were the best man in whole world

           In my yrs from 10-20

           You started to look like one of the best men in world

           Your questions started to look like reasons for my anger

           Your goals started to seem too high a mountain sumtimes

           Your advices seemed like unwanted nuisance for my freewheeling mind

           You gave extra time to shape my future when i wanted extra time to fly

           high in a unknown horizon

           You found acceptance as only option to my stubborness

           You never flinched among the storm  fate contrived for u yet u seemed to have forgotten my

           silly wishes &never ending wants

           You saw the uneasiness in my life yet remained rudely  calm

           You seemed too protective sumtimes -while ma age demanded space

           Yet u stayed same despite everythin

           You seemed a bit of villain suddenly from that hero i knew !

           From Yrs 20-30

            Suddenly A Storm brew in my life wrecking almost everythin ---almost because

           You were standing covering me foreseeing the storm

           Waited for it to pass and saw my wings and taught me to fly in life

           That great angel-My Mom's  demise almost left me in tatters

           Almost because again u were there to see i was not lost

           When i was lost for direction you showed the path again

           When i was looking for inspiration --u became one

           You became once again that "hero "i saw in my tender years

           You stood far away ,,gave me space ,,watched me fly ,,yet

           remained protective as before -watching every move keenly

           You became   one of  the reasons for rediscovering myself

           You became the living example of fighting fate with heart

          From yrs 30-????

           It has just started the long journey hopefully to acccompany your

          glorious twilight-seeing  every step is a priveleage dad  !

          To know more about the man who will always be the hero who i

          would never want to disgrace for my endless wishes !

          Yes i want to have all i like--sumone i like --things the way i like

          want to live in another place where there is no tortures!

          Yet i want to do what almost every son and daughter wants to do

          in this world --"Make their dad proud despite everythin-My

         wishes are for sumother day -sumother time -period!!!!

                                                          

         "The journey may end anywhere --but it has been a magnificent dream -to watch a master at work --a master refusing to accept fate's games --a hero who seemed like a villain then eventually showed that hes a Superhero !-A king all the way -If i was granted some wishes one of them would be to try to be like a dad like u someday (i know to create that magic u need a woman as beautiful as my mom but yet its just a wish if granted ,,lol),,,

              So my king-my first hero --my evergreen iron man --To My dad --and  to the millions of awesome dads of the world ----HAPPY FATHERS DAY !!!

                                                         

                                                  

                                         

Me and Mom -the journey continues,,,,,,,Luv U Mom!!!!

Me and u Momma --the monumentally incomparable humble  human being i ever knew!!!

 She knew abt me  before i understood  myself -thats y moms are magical
               I cry though my smiles ,,
               i speak through my silence ,,
               I love through  my untold words
               I hide my truths in my lies
               I saw the lies in supposed truths of some flawless ppl i knew
               I love more by tryin to hate anyone
               I remember everyone i tried to forget
               I feel guilty for trying to look guilty free
               I forgot my dreams to remember other's wishes
               I act as if age has masked my mom's absence
               I try to say i never loved anyone but ,,,,
               I know why noone can be  selfless for a whole life
              But i dont know why i cant be damn selfish
              I told that special girl of my life  "i dont love u"when i could
              see my unborn children in  her eyes"-the biggest lie of my life
               I wanna cry one time in ur lap momma -just one time i promise
               U knew everything --u still know everythin
               Im smiling even now because i knw only u can feel the
                 wetness of my tears in my smile ,,
               Everything else might be a known mistake or a unknown
                flaw but that u were there and still being around is
                what im banking my hopes on to change them!!!
                                     -----Momma love u for noone knew me like u !!

My Thoughts About The Word "Courage"!!!

" I know my end --i know my duties is unfinished --i know im letting u down --but just know this mom will give everything she has to stay one extra minute to see her children smile one last time --with tears but without a blink "
                                                           ---First time i saw courage beyond words from my mom who was facing death --Courage in real flesh and blood ---ready to defy death that extra minute and that too "without blink of that eye even with tears"--maybe she became extra special even in her final few months .fate may have been cruel not recognising that courage but i did --it became a base for my whole life.
                Till that time i saw courage as sumthin exhibited in battlefields ,,with swords ,guns ,,all effect of novels and films until life showed me what was courage ,i have been blessed to see some other instances of courage ,the one where the heart stands before anything else in the world

               Everyone of us have been  courageous in one way or other --the only thing is we hardly realise that because of the concept we all have  that courage is a fearless exhibition of character --it actually is the mastery of our fears ,,Im pretty much sure each one of us more than once would  have shown our frustration on our bathroom mirrors --yet when we come out of that to face this whole world --we show nothing to the world --hide our frustrations to make so many ppl around us to feel better--We to hide our feelings to make ppl around us feel better-.Now tht is courage !!!
               Sumtimes we dont like the job we are doing --we do it every day for our family --sumtimes we dont get our love --yet sacrifice our feelings to live a life that makes everyone except u happy -burying our dreams --our passion for sumthing else in life just because u r persuaded into by the world --every one of us who do that are truly warriors --courageous warriors --because when we are alone --when we are travelling alone --trying to sleep till early hours in the mornings trying so desperately to avoid ourselves be engulfed by our fears-we fight a battle that is unseen --"ITS LIKE YOU STANDING ALONE  AGAINST  ALL UR FEARS --AND EVERY DAWN  U WAKE UP--U KNOW ITS  ONLY AFTER DEFEATING THEM EVERY NIGHT  -THAT IS ULTIMATE COURAGE GOING UNNOTICED IN THIS FAST PACED WORLD "
             Next time someone says u r not brave enough to face life --just laugh at them --u know better--ur mirrors know u better than them --period !!

           "Courage is not about how much u show off--its about how u hide ur fears and face this world  every day despite every setback --tht  fact is remarkably unnoticed yet undeniable "
               
           "My world changed after momentous  show of courage from my mom --if u cant find any examples in real life --go see ur mirror -there will be always a example everytime u see urself  :):):)"

C Ya soon
                  

             
             

If only ,,,,,

                          "Im not searching my happiness dad --im just acting as if i forgot how to feel it just to make u ,this society and surroundings to be happy "- Recently heard from a close frd who i heard saying this to his dad ,,Felt the real pain behind those words
                                                This may not be the ultimate feel good blog --but somethin that is bothering,,hindering and stopping people to enjoy life for a small factor of self pride and ignorance of acknowledgin what u need is to see ur loved ones real smile .
                                                 The other day i had gone to a unfortunate demise of a known frd who passed away in a moment of haste inflicting injuries to himself  --he was about 35 yrs old--a sincere hard working guy --a perfect example of middle class man -but more than that a perfect example of how a individual is constrained by endless strings pulled by family members and society while all he wished was  a little bit of  freedom - a little  bit of acceptance .
                                                Ashok(Name changed )-my friend had the perfect family to enjoy--a dad who worked 35 years in a govt job --a mom who was a bank official --two sisters --he was not a close frd of mine but sumone who enjoyed love,care and affection from his lovely family --a above average student --he had failures running havoc over his life--after struggles to realise his dreams he compromised and joined in a concern for a average salary --his family accepted him for starting to work forgetting his dreams,,his wish was always to be a well known journalist --but financial condition stopped him --his family --his relations all saw him as the perfect guy and praised him endlessly --his dad ,mom were happy -but little did they realise he did not have a bit of happiness
                                              Then sumthing happened that happens to most of us --"He fell in love "--in love with a girl working along with him--then his life turned upside down --his dad ditched him out of his house,,his mother stopped talkin to him unless he takes back his decision on tht girl(as all mothers rendered helpless by society ,family ,husband not entirely with their heart ),,love doesnt come after ticking off all the boxes a family requires --she was from different caste,culture ,status ,,everything--the guy a harcore tea totaller ,,a amazing guy who withstood all stresses to not be otherwise till his last .

              I wondered IF ONLY
                                         * His dad had realised how his son had made sacrifices to make him happy ,,put his dads pride above his all his life --
                                         * His mom had realised that for a son noone is above a mom ---from the moment he is born in this world --he admires her like none --he waits for her to read his mind because only she knows he stutters for words when his heart is hurt ,,sumehow a mom remains handcuffed by loyalty to husband and society
                                         * His sisters realise how much their brother cares for them to have a settled life --they *wait till them get married ,,settle in their married life --all along the guys life is still uncertain,unsettled --not to be blamed ultimately their wishes and voices go unnoticed due to stupid orthodox reasons being followed for generations
                                        *  His friends could sit with him  at moments of desperate despair and help him find a solution rather than allowing him to get himself destroyed by his own confusions and indecisions and fear ,,,again the society role in making them helpless after certain point restricting entry into family circle citing a age old saying "how does a frd come into a family decsion"
                                       *  His relations,,his society --praising him for sumthin he did not want and dumping  him to the ditches not realising he was is at the end of day the same guy who they saw as a perfect family guy .sumtime back

                                         Now he is gone --i just wondered whether there will be any change at all to the society which ultimateltly was a main reason of his demise--why does a dad,a mom ,family,,relation ,society dump a good soul for falling in love--it is beyond me to understand --how not one person could talk,,understand and do sumthing about his happiness ,,a life went just like that -his dreams unfulfilled --excruciatingly what hurt was people remembered him for supposedly big "Crime"--Loving a girl against wishes of a family and society and not for anything else.

                                    Will this ever change --Will there ever be  anything done to stop so many lives cut short by inability to withstand loss of happiness for prolonged period beyong imagination?
                                      Will there ever be a case of all this relations,family ,society leaving us by saying"this is one life --be happy in the way u wish "i doubt  whether i will ever see that sort of change in my lifetime --the relations,society ,family pride contributes to people seeing a guy or girl as a villain for falling in love .will they ever realise that the time before casting them as villain he or she has made sacrifices beyond their wishes -- sadly it  never happens
                                    Finally wishing i never go to another sad occasion to witness a life being plucked by fate so early just because there was so many ppl who could have stopped fate from interfeering this early
           "Quoting a exact line from my evergreen queen who had a aversion on her dad ,family and relations and preferred to live a happy selfish loner as the world labelled her till her last

         *** Why do u hate this society,ur relations ,,ur family ?
                   "Well when they knew me of my love --they saw me as a harmful knife who could damage their pride --i accepted that and became the knife they saw to protect my happiness from  being destroyed by them --My love -My happiness -My world -Period "

               Not all are blessed to be that bold --many  of us are afraid that we may hurt our closed ones unknowingly  --hope our closed ones understand us and let us have our happiness sumtimes at the cost of their pride -if only it happens this world will be the most beautiful place to live rather than a place where people witness sad incidents more often than not , ,,
                  All i can wish is never say never !!