Yes Birthdays are wonderful unforgettable days in life !!

                                     As i wished my darling sister Pinku  a birthday wish on early hours of today albeit for a minute ,,it felt wonderful,,so wonderful that it could not be put in words ,,generally all birthdays of my close ones have been the same way and im not a teenage guy ,,but birthdays never stopped me exciting even if it was for not for me but my closed ones  ,,At that moment i got a thought --Whats the most wonderful wish i have got in my life ?i instantly remembered a memorable wish  which i quote as from the person
                                  

                        
         "Happy birthday to you--May u live a long happy life  and let my voice be the one u hear last "
                                   At that point of time ,,when life was bubbling with endless fun,,it seemed just another filmi dialogue ---but now when i remember the card and person --it felt different --it meant special --to be part of sumones happy thoughts is not easy ,,,thats why i feel birthdays of close ones should be given some importance because the mark that it leaves in your heart by doing so is "Indeligible"
                                 I had this obsession from my young age to ask people whom i confront regularly abt their date of birth and their age ,,,initially it was out of stupid childish fun,,but later it became a sort of habit where i recorded instantly when sumone close said abt their bdays ,,it got to my mind that sumhow it was a special never meant to be forgotten,,Im now 30 --i have been doin this for last 25 yrs ,,i rarely forget my close frds bdays even now  ,,for me it is joy to be part of  other persons bday because it brought me happiness to make sumone happy ,,in reality birthdays are meant only to be so ,,arent they ?
                              Have u ever asked yourself ---Which is most precious bday gift ?Which was my unforgettable bday ?What was biggest surprising incident of my birthday life ?--think in any way there will be sumthin that happened on your birthdays ,,it is that sort of day ,,its not a day where u r meant to give or receive gifts to mark it special ,,ITS YOUR PART IN THAT MORE THAN ANYTHIN
                               For me my birthday celebrations were very less as i had few frds and it always fell during exams in school and college --i rarely celebrated it in big way ,,although there is no denial of me having a special remembrance in every bday of mine ,,this blog site is a bday gift from my brother dipu which came as a pleasant surprise and one of the best gifts i have had ever had and will have in my life and there was one special incident i remember i celebrated with a small girl many years ago
                             " After a whole day of my birthday had gone dull with nothing as is the case of 25 plus guys ,i went to meet a small girl whom i had named as "Small Subha "--expecting nothing but went to give chocolates to her and her friends before calling it a day --i just had a chat with her and gave the chocolates and felt it a customary act to complete wht i came gave the chocolates,,but then the tiny little darling girl held my hand when i was about to leave she caught my hand and said "anna happy bday this is for u "--she had in her hands a tiny single piece of cake with 26 match sticks arranged in orderly manner and asked me to blew that for her --i felt speechless ,,at that time she was surviving from life consuming disease and with no family to support --she was surviving on her will and heart .
                             I had tears in my eyes --probably the last time i was left speechless with heart full of happiness and eye full of tears in gratitude --on my birthday ---Small subha --is no more ---she finally succumbed to that disease after showing a lion hearted fighting spirit surviving the disease on will more than anything ,,but she lived a special life --and there is not a single birthday that goes without thinking abt her --i always get a smile thinkin abt the incident --i wished always to be that in others birthdays -remembering you for right reasons is very important -near you or far away from u doesnt matter
                         Life goes in a flash --u dont have 100 birthdays to be part of ur closer ones or the ones u love ,,,beyond restriction of pressures ,commitments ,,work ,,there is sumthing important to make a contribution in others life whatever minor way it may be ,,and what  better to do it than our loved ones  birthday --Life is not only to live our way but to share it with the ppl who matter in our lives  ,,it is a unparalled joy incomparable to anythin ,,,so always when u think --its just a close ones birthday --rememeber to be a part of it as long as possible because life doesnt go the way we wish --lets make the special moments count and count in a memorable way to be remembered for lifetime
Cheers


                                 

" I Miss You"-A word of mystical beauty!!!

                                       I recently wrote to sumone so close to me in a mail  "I Miss you "with a heavy heart and once i finished writing that i got a thought --this word has followed  me peculiarly for longer than i can imagine ,and a thought crossed in my mind to think about the same a little deeply 

                                              "Love"is the word that is most in the world want to feel the best ,,,nothing comes close to that ,,but for me the word "Missing u"is the word that always had a mystically beautiful value than any other word in my life.      
                                               The first time i said the word was with my first standard teacher --"I Miss u teacher "--Mrs.Rozario ,,,it seemed then a meaningless expression of saying goodbye to sumeone ,,then as in school days it is not much used as u r a tight knit with students ,teachers and family ---The word "MissU " never pros up in young age where life is like roses in garden frozen of our innocence ,,i sumtimes wondered why life seemed frozen with happiness during the school days --why was all these mystical pain then not  there?,,,we were bound by all yet unbound by fate,,unpressured by society ,but ever since those days got over ,,when innocence paved way to shattering realities ,when a beauttful frozen part of life melted to realities in matter of seconds ,,,
                           
                                I   heard  once quite a phrase in my school days which was a Anglo Indian School  
                                             "I send you as a sheep among wolves "--- dont remember exact reference of the quote but it was words i remembered very well for long time ,,but when life unfolded this is what i got to know  --it was perfect summarisation of life in a nutshell where the denial comes only from non acceptance of truth 
                  
                                              At a time in  my teenage where i was made to believe that love was all that u should have and go for life --i felt alien to it ,,it never came to me nor  did i go near it ,,but the word missing haunted me as a pack of wolves ,,that is what i perceived it then , i said it more times than the word love in my life --I was scared for sumtime to say that word as i felt it would mean ending whatever happiness i had ,,that was scary thought in itself ,,accepting was like a nightmare .
                                            
                                           After My school days i asked my most respected teacher Mr.Rasheed Sir  in school who is sadly now no more  on farewell day  "Whats the fuss abt this Sir  --I dont miss anyone in school  Sir with a cheeky smile ",,I got a  stern reply "Sumday u will ,,when u do,,just remember life is a lonely journey   where u dont take anyone every minute"--I did not realise it till my college was over ,,,only after that was i grounded to mind boggling reality that missing sumone is inevitable because u r never accompanied by anyone every minute for life
                                              
                                           Missing became a part of my life from then on--Right  from missing my mom,,Missing my Sweetheart,,now Missing My Soulmate ,,Missing all of my best frds because of distance ,,I kept  saying everytime silently "I Miss You"in hope of having a opportunity to spend more real time but we know the reality dont we !!!
                                           
                                           " I wont  say  I will Miss you because i know it ends there whatever there was "--it was uttered by my best friend in girls and probably the only person who i still feel as epitome of kindness who never ever expected me to be otherwise ,,I wish i never said  that to anyone --but as i recently did in that mail--i got a frank realisation that those words are the ultimate expression of gratitude and respect u have on sumone u love and love endlessly ,,,
                                            
                                          "Missing sumone is not a bad thing -its good thing to have because u know u loved sumone dearly even if went unrealised --It is better to have loved sumone to miss them everyday rather than Missing the person  without loving ---
                                
                                           As my sir said "Life is a lonely journey "--i dont regret loving sumone neither do i regret saying "I Miss You "to the person i loved .,,By doing so the relationship might have gone but the love remains forever a happy memory .
Cheers 


                                         
                                          


                                           
                                                    

"PRIDE- THY FALL BY THEE!!!

     Not in greatest moods i heard a quote i read many years ago being quoted again by a person who i learned a lot and was in a conversation when he related that quote with his life and as a advice to me
            
        "I would lose my pride than lose sumone i love--I know when i lose my pride it hurts --but when i lose sumone i love i feel im dead --As far as im concerned im concerned all i want to do is feel alive not dead "

        It came from a person whom i respected lot ,,learned lot ,,,,i was at crossroads of a important decision in my life ,To be a loner with peace or be a struggler with surroundings who come along with a  chain of emotional trauma  was the question ringing in my head--it seemed a question that bugged me for quite a while and i was searchin a answer and maybe she provided it unknowingly .

        Life goes in the path u choose and not necessarily in the way  you  wished it to be --the only way we can win a loved persons ego or attitude is leaving our own --99 times out of 100 it never happens ,,why ?the question of pride steps in --and once that steps in then automatically the words BREAK UP,PAINS ,TEARS all follow --its like the word comes with all these BONUS features ,,and more after that . Still not beleive this --i have heard the following --i bet sumwhere u might have witnessed or heard it too
     A father has a tiff with his son on a incident and he finally swears" i will never see u again  for"THIS" act of yours "
      A brother or sister having a tiff after marriage in their lives with seperate families after a incident "I hope u will be good wherever you are --after "THIS" incident its tough to be same "
      Two friends  after a misunderstanding  say to themselves "How could he do this to me ?im not gonna be in touch with him /her again after "THIS "incident  
       A husband or wife part way with each other quoting"After "THIS" there is nothin"and in most cases it is not about infedility or wrong doings it is basic misunderstanding on one or two issues ,,again my perspectve from what i have heard,seen and felt

       and in many other relationships it is that same final line with the word "THIS"
     
         Now in all there is some word i have highlighted --the word "THIS"---that to me isthe real sad part of any relationship that is on crossroads --you summarise a whole relatonship on the basis of "THIS ONE INCIDENT"--Seriously??? --if we sit and think deeply it is  not the truth --the question of hurting our "PRIDE"is ignited by one incident ---and subsequently we are ready for any consequences ---alas the bigger picture is never seen --there should have been hell a lot of good reasons for that relationship to be formed and trusted --but  the breaking part comes the moment the question of hurting ones  pride sets in ,,
       "  Pride is probably the worst possible demon in mind  if uncontrolled --for the simple reason it always ends up being a winner --but who is  the loser --everyone involved --thats why its the worst possible demon if uncontrolled --it should be a pinch in our lives and not what our lives are about "
         Back to my question which was ringing my heads --"Whether be a loner --be at a fake peace --and with pride intact "or "Be a struggler with hell of lot disappointments "i got only one line in my mind
"PRIDE --THY FALL BY THEE"----and all i want to be as of now is not to be a example for that ,,only time will tell
:):)

A Lesson Learnt !!!!

                           "Life keeps showing  you doors to wisdom --its left for us to find the keys "

     

                                      I lived for best part of my life in Trichy-- more than 25 years--and i lived in a higher end of society -- a society where u r restricted to follow others perceptions without a option or have a wrong perception about sumthing and strictly beleive forever --atleast that is what i saw myself in ---was having a great time there --taking care of business and having less  pressure never allowed me to see people as they are 

                                    Here in Chennai  I used to visit beaches at wee hours of night --nature is my only friend who never expects me to be otherwise --rarely do i interact with people there ,,but sumhow the beautiful place it is has become some sort of place where people try to view it as a spot where u can make money by various means ,,one such time some months back during very late  hours i happened to come across few people who were transgenders --i always from my younger days had some sort of aversion on such people for the very basic reason that i was brought up in a surrounding where they were treated with utter disrespect and money was thrown on their faces for them with frown faces and angry words said in utter dismay 

                                   That same habit followed me here too ,,that time not to be disturbed and already having a aversion thought i immediately gave whtever i had in my hand --thinking a 10 rupee note that time accidentally had given a 100 rupee note in haste of chasing them away  ,and they left immediately ,i continued my gaze on sea ,,today in a lot calm mind i drove down to beach again and was walking along the shores just watchin people move around,,kids playing around ,,suddenly i saw sumone coming towards me and  saw a person coming me to say h r u ---i hardly could remember the face ,,,the person continued saying and i quote from the persons own word "I just saw you and remembered that u gave me a 100 rupee note that day --did not say thanks then ,came to say that "--I again already having a aversion on such persons said  "Ok no probs"--took out some money to chase them away --i had this habit for long as i saw this the only way to end conversation with them ,,

                                  The transgender person replied "No thanks --i did not come to get money --i as a person have gone through tortures for accepting money far less than what u gave that day --i dont know  with what mind u gave that day  but u did that  without asking anything from me  --i wanna give u my blessings for that day --kept her hand on me ,,blessed me with words and left in a trace--everythin happened in a blink of a eye "In truth that was a very painful reflection of their life ,,how they are forced to do sumthin against their wish by lot of people  and the rest who dont torture them ---are like me with wrong fixed thoughts for years.

                                 25 years my perception on particular division of people was proved wrong --i felt ashamed and strange for a change --i took great pride in not believing what others perceived and here i was following what others perceived and not trying to find it for myself  ,,it was weird feeling driving back home ---i suppose i felt bit embarrased but that is nothing compared to what those people go through every day and every minute for no fault of theirs and becoming a prey to social pressure ,,after all they are human beings too --i saw them for all these years in wrong way --i saw them differently  now--they seemed like human beings with dignity and that should have been the way long time back .A Lesson learnt alrite :)

Cheers 

God is kind even if he seems rude --Luv u lot Mom(On her 9th death anniversary)

           A blog -to the greatest human being i ever had and will have in my life

            In  luving memory of my mom on her 9th anniversary ,of the person who made me  what im -Love u lot mom

           "Miracles dont last forever--just that i lost one too soon "

           Novemeber 4,2002 -Diwali Day
                             That diwali remembers so fresh in my mind --it was raining very heavily outside ,there were lights everywhere --little did i know the lights of my life was abt to go on the same day ,i was not able to enter my house --i thought i had not much friends in my school life or college life --only on that day i knew my mom who used to come to my school and college had so many sons who considered her as their own mother ---the moment i realised life goes in a flash but not the deeds of a noble person --noble in every sense that i could not see one set of eyes among the huge crowd without a wet eye ,,tears were rolling from me eyes  in shock and awe of what a life my mom had lived ---the people around me ,,around the house ,,around the final cremation made me think --what it is gona take to do sumthing for her to be proud of me ?Nothin could ever make her unhappy abt me --for she loved me like none--understood me like none --and never expected me to fulfil her dreams ,,,
                           Probably that is the main reason why moms are magical ,,they never expect you to be sumone else --they never want u to be their dream son or daughter,,,,the key is realising when they are with u abt it  --I broke the gods pictures that were there in my pooja room ,,in anger,shock and a loss to accept i have lost all what i had!!!i never wanted to live another day then ,,never wanted to smile again,,,never wanted to find a way to realise her dreams ,,I cursed god ,,,abused ppl who tried to console me ,,closed the doors to the outer world terrified that i might not be able to hear or feel that i have lost the most precious person i had
                          My smile deserted me ,,my mates who had come to send off my mother duly departed with heavy hearts --my tears also deserted me as i drained out all i had and felt sumtimes i might have easily drowned me in my tears that time ,,,i thought there will not be another day ,,not be another time i will go to god ,,not another time i will be better to ppl --seemed so sure

 
      Novemeber   3,2011 --On the eve of 9 th anniversary ever since that shocking day
                             That 9 years have gone since that fateful day --is no easy feet to live those 9 years --for sumone who had heart as brittle as u could imagine ---but every passing year was a learning experience-learning to live with the pains ,,with the scars ,,,,the smiles got replaced by fake ones --the truth that having had sumone so special could not have come without Gods help started sinking in--rather than cursin him i began to accept it was only because of him i got to know what a great human being i had in life     
          "Silence  is  sumwhat considered as the least expression where nothing is conveyed --but for me its  only way i speak to my mom these days--she understood it then and im sure shes doing it now too "--While it is always easy to put the blame on god for every misfortune --its sumtimes better to accept the fate that it was always meant to happen --miracles dont last forever ---After all god is not rude always --its just we dont realise what we have when we have .Probably hearing ppl abt her ,,,thinking abt her --my mom would be probably the only person i envy so much in life ---and i know she would not be angry on a me for this thought -she was that damn good a person and i keep hearing nothing but good things abt her even now--its unimaginable in todays world for me to find sumone half as good as her ,,so all the more reason that i should be thankful to god than feel bad ---it still sucks badly when i see her in photo ,,i feel so gutted to stand in hotels for food every day ,,it feels terrible to see her things in a shelf ,,,i feel horribly low on the date she passed away ---but beyond all this its important tht to feel all these "I HAD HER FOR SUMTIME "--Moms are incomparable ---tht relation remains the same till the last day of our lives ,,,
             Writing all this is a minor consolation for me ,,i disappointed her when she was with me by not going for what she wanted --now i wanna rectify everythin but nothin will change --but as much as it is heart wrenching to write it ,,i feel every yr on her anniversary i realise tht  i have got  to accept more responsibilites and more importantly  have no hatred on anyone ,,--because she had no hatred on anyone till her last and it shows years after shes gone ppl who were known to her still remember her for everythin she did ---everythin she did was good and simple --Living a life what she wished is the best possible gift i could give her and tht is what keeps me going rather than stopping with the pain--
          With the belief sumday i will make her proud and sumday she will see from top and smile really ,,i continue the journey ,,after all surely  god cannot be rude at all as perceived then ,,
       Miss u hell a lot now --u were all i had then --and now too --its a monumental struggle to see  every day without u--but i will surely  do with ur words and thoughts --thanks for being there Luv u mom ---so much forever and ever till time exist
                                                                                Luving Son Shanmu

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Just For Fun--Irritatingly Funny Questions and Replies!!!

                             After a gap that felt like eternity --back here again doing what i love  most ---this time after seeing lot of Mr.Bean comedies  recently for umpteenth time --i was thinking about sum funny stuffs tht go unnoticed in our lives --in the midst of always serious stuff

                      Some of the frequent questions and replies  tht come out in  scenarios u wish u were not in :)(sum experienced by me sum by my buddies)

         *  When your dad comes and ask to u "Whom do u want to marry?-we jump up to say the name of the girl we love but then remaining part of question comes up -----Out of these girls i chose for u ,, "

         *  When ur frd who fails to return the money borrowed from u ,,meets u accidentally and says "hey i was coming straight to ur house --just when we think we r gona get money --he completes the reply --TO ASK U SUM MORE TIME " 

        *  When a doctor whom we go for consultation first time asks the first question--"Where do u work and what do u do ?(easy way to judge the fee amount)

        *    When ur sister comes up to u and asks exactly when u dont have a single penny at end of month "Bro can u buy me a new nokia phone"

         *    When ur dad catches u red handed with ur love ---a guy always has to say  --"dad i was goin to say abt this to u today and blinks helplessly"

         *    When u make ur girlfrd wait for 5 mins and she asks u ---"why so fast --all work done?"

         *    When u see sumone u dont want to see ,,the first question from them  is "I was just thinking abt u"

         *    When  ur office employee comes in the midst of heated discussion and asks "Sir do u want anythin??

         *   When u pass all the interviews in a company and they finally they say "Congratulations u r appointed --but we forgot to tell u --ur salary is 10 k/month for a job worth more and expected more "

         *   When a friend calls u up at 11  in night and asks --"R u Busy ?"

        *    When sum frd of urs doesnt answer ur call for 10 days and picks up on 11th day and says "Did u call before?

        *  When u make ur gf /future wife meet ur mom and she comes with a spontaneous reply "Son --r u sure ?

         *  When the site engineer who takes ages to complete ur work comes up and asks --"How r u  sir "'\

        *  When ur grandpa or  grandma talks to u for hrs irritatin u to no limits  and says finally "How u r so patient ?

    

        *   When u go for a marriage and sumone who knows comes up to u and asks u in marriage hall --"u have time for attending marriages --u cant have a coffee with me "

        *   When ur best sweetheart --goes completely missing --and comes after months asking"did u miss me "

        *   When u comeout of a theatre and meet a known frd in front of theatre ,,he asks "u went for a movie ?"

        *  When ur first love meets u after years --introduces u to her husband and  family sayin--hey looks whos here --my best brother like frd in my school?

    Sumtimes u r left speechless--thts all i can say,cheers

Even When Darkness Falls In Ur Life Just Soldier On To Ur Destination!!!

     Life is like walking in the rain --u either hide and take cover or u just get wet !!!

   October 2002--Chennai --Apollo Hospital ;
                                                     Guess everyone do have a rude awakening dark hour in their lives which is inevitable ,,sumtimes life seems the scariest in those hours ,,,our demons come out of us laughing like that they have conquered us fair and square ,,,for me that hour ,,that month ,,,,that year took me to the brink of quitting life itself --my mother was in her final moments in her monumental life --i was scared what life might be now ?--i was sitting duck for my fate to gobble me ,,,every minute i felt i skipped a heart beat ,,i felt the whole world crumbling around me to pieces ,,i had nowhere to hide and nowhere to go ,caught out in broad daylight with my fears engulfing me .
                                                     I prayed it was all a dream --i cried like i would drown sumone with my tears--i knew what was coming and i could do nothing but getting broken to pieces --there is nowhere to hide from your fears because it is within you --i felt knives cut right through me --i saw my dad and relations on the day when the  inevitable happened when mom really became a  angel to me --he remained calm --with few tears unlike all of us ---i felt what was wrong with him---why he is not showing much --it remained a mystery to me then ---but i could not concentrate on myself much then ,,there was no way i could think about anyone else that time ,,but it now shows why he was then being so
                                                   When fears gobble you like there is no tommorow ,,you are left to run for cover where there is none,,,i tried for so many stupid things ,,the tears never stopped ,,the fears stepped in and i was left going nowhere ,it was trial by fire in fire for sumone who never expected the unexpected ,,realities hit me like never before ---it brought into me a dark part of life that i never wished---a easy prey to my inner demons and fears --it stayed so for long and even though i was brought out by good peoples intervention in my life thereafter --there were moments when i felt i was still surrounded by the darkness in  moments which were very precarious

  October 2011- Chennai -Merina Beach
                                                    9 years later ,,in a similar situation although i lost noone this time --i felt i had none to talk to physically as my best frd ,,my close ones at heart ,my best soulmate everyone were far far away --distressed by lack of understanding by ppl around and breaking of trust by couple of ppl who i dearly had as my sisters and a gaping void in personal life not having sumone near who understood me better,,were few of reasons that made me feel very bad and lonely ,,i was just seeing the sea through misty eyes ,,Nature has been my best companion sumtimes ,,it never hits me with angry words ,,never chases me out even when i go at odd wee hours ,,,i just stood thinking why the hell all this ?it seemed darkness had engulfed me again --but this time it was different
                                                  I backed myself to come out of this --the fears tried to make a comeback --the inner demons were knocking ---but i just remembered a phrase from my younger age ---"You fall once make sure u dont again "---either u succumb to it or learn to adapt ---during my times with a wonderful small girl whom i happened to meet in a orphanage ---she had one of her hands very badly damaged --i queried once playing withher --dont u ever feel one of ur hands is like this ---She a 10 year old said --"No brother i have my another hand --see"--i was shell shocked by her maturity and acceptance of brutal truth ---I now can visualise why my dad was calm when my mom left ,,,he had responsibilities ,,he had his duties ,,he knew his destinations is far away --he did not want his tears to stop his journey ,,all this hit my mind and i touched my eyes --i had no tears--i had my guts sayin ---u dont have ur best girl nearby ,,u dont have ur angelic mom nearby ,,u dont have ur best frds nearby,,ur sisters might hav broken ur heart ,,u still cant say the one thing u dearly love ,u dont have anything u wished nor u have ppl who u wished were near u -yet  U STILL HAVE ALL OF YOURSELF --YOUR DESTINATION IS FAR AWAY --THIS TIME DARKNESS WILL ENGULF ME --BUT NOT MY FEARS OR TEARS --I WILL SOLDIER ON FIND MY WAY TO MY DESTINATION --ITS STILL FAR AWAY--IM ON MY WAY ALRIGHT !!
                                                Sumtimes it is not about what you fear at the moment -its about how u manage to find a way to carry yourself forward with those scars --life doesnt stop for anyone and for the one who fears life doest exist at all ,,,know ur destination and just go along no matter what :)
                                               

Lets Give Importance To People Who Count In Our Lives !!!!

          "If u hope to survive any friendship or relationship based on convenience then break ups should be inevitable "
                                                           Today evening i was challenging a cousin brother of me for a nonsense talk about movies and some useless crap ,,then there came a interesting talk,,he asked me "Bro have had any break ups in your life be it frdship or any relationship ???---i knew he has had sum sort of break up with sumone recently --but answering to the point i said "yep had quite a few "--he went on asking me "have u ever thought of any reason or any similarity with all those things bro ???
                                                         As it is i avoided answering the question and diverted the discussion back to some stupid topics and went for some fun talk ,,on the way back which was pretty late in evening i just revisited the question again while driving back,,that was very sharp question from a guy who has just crossed his teens ,,that he did not realise the sharpness of that question showed he was out of his teens just now ,,lol
                                                     My frd used to say "Everyone can solve their own  problems "--there could not be a better summarisation of what life is in perspective--but i always had this feeling --Yes you as a grown individual--you can solve ur problems --think about your family --think about your future --think about your everything ---every individual is perfectly entilted to go the way but my only question is "ARE WE  PROGRAMMED ROBOTS ???-that is a answer you have to answer inidividually .
                                                    I have had queer instances where i believed i will never part ways with some and i eventually did --and some other instances i have tried to let go the other close person but eventually they came back never to leave --many times in my blogs you would have found me sayin the two choices we make in life are our life partner and our frds for life --its practical reality that as u grow older the list dwindles to very few but therein lies the danger of being left all alone or trying your sincere best to not let go the people you choose to be in your most important list of people who u believe and trust .

                                                  My analysis of the question which my cousin asked for me as a individual --"is there a similarity in break up?"--"Yes is the answer---i found out thinking about the few break ups in recent memory --it was due to one of the two person involved taking the frdship or relationship on their own convenience--i mean its easy to site  you workload ,,your work pressure,,your daily routine not allowing you to remember your role --well i have just one clear word of advice for that --if u want to say endless reasons better be strong to accept the break up and move on --because the difference will only be in timelimit --but the end happening is inevitable
                                               Yes this comes with the thought im about to break up with couple of known people --i have had amazing relationships with few people  ,,some wonderful frdship --still have few of them though not all --i decided to cling my dear life on the ones who are left because i cant afford anymore in the exit door --but one thing that is unacceptable in any form of frdship is hoping to carry a relationship on the basis of ones own comfortability --it certainly wont work out --as frdship happens between two people brought up in completely different situations mostly and its hard to expect sumone to understand the other fully enough to accept the thought you wish they understood better.
                                           I know the pain of break ups --had few of them -on the brink of breaking a long term frdship  too because acting is not what im good at----its no joy at all to break up--the stains  remain forever--if u want to be a brother or a frd or a caring lover or any relation  --u must be prepared to go the distance of making the other person know that u r making an effort to make the relationship a everlastin one,,if not be ready to accept eventuality -- as human beings we need our happiness to be shared --our sadness to be heard --our love to be understood --our frdship to be accepted --all these can be possible if you are ready to come out of your comfort zone --and do the rightful things --hoping to prolong on the basis on one's comfortability and on one's own leisure time is like expecting fragrance from  paper rose --it will never come no matter how long u wait
                 "Its a single short life why not make it worth --its hard to choose sumone --its impossible to lose that sumone --we are always doing the impossible easily --for a change lets  give importance to people who count :)
                                 

After All Money Cant Buy Everything The Heart Wishes -It Took Me 8 Years To Have One Good Soulful Lunch!!!

 (Sincerely written in thanks after a heart warming lunch from my darling sister Archana and her hubby Karthick)   

             "I ran from nook and corner to get a meal  with that "special something"--it took me 8 odd years to have that feeling ---i have ran thousands of miles in desperation of that but if it means i have to run another thousand miles to feel the same way --i will --to me it means a lot --hell  a lot "

My sweet sister Archana and her Hubby Karthik.,

                                                            It began as a dull day ,,this sunday ,,but it became a heart warming day for me by noon after a lunch --whats the deal abt a lunch --you might tend to ask?--well only from a personal point of view it was monumental --after all at the end of day --no matter how many crores u earn --what it matters is 3 "good meals" a day --the word "good meal " means more than what it literally means --i will tell u why it means from my past instances
           
     Rewinding to 15 years back(approximately)-at night 12
                                                           After i did not find my choice of food missing in 6 varieties of food prepared by mom for guests,,i went to sleep half stomach full showing anger to my mom and acting as if im gona sleep with sadness --i got nothing back other than  just a look and a smile ---2 hrs later well past midnight ---when i was asleep and everyone was --i saw sumone waking me up --i woke up and found mom with what i wanted "--a part of me jumped out of me and jumped in ecstacy feeling like achieving something,  --not realising the trouble i had caused to my mom,,worse thing was i repeated that quite a few number of times until mom left for a call from above
                                                          Ever since that fateful day --i have been running non stop from shop to shop --hotel to hotel --with money in hand and a empty desperate heart begging for a soulful meal--it sort of dawned in me this is life --u have to go through it everyday just hoping --in todays fast world we forget how wonderful it is to have sumone sit near you ,,crack some jokes ,,talk about life --we used to call that "family time "when i was a kid ,,the time when the whole family or most of it sit around a meal not demanding for our favourite food rather than basking in the happiness of having company --of having people who give us a soulful meal --a meal from the heart ,a meal which means a untold peace,,,
                                                        In real terms i dont remember what i had for lunch today ,,i knew i had lot after long time --happily--this was not money which got me food as it does mostly for me for last few years--all i remember was somebody was sitting with me after long time,a sister who i dearly yearn to have spent lot more time in my life  ,,smilingly serving food with happiness and purest of hearts  ,,i realised what im now -the strolls along shops to find sumthing to eat,,the gazes at skies hoping my search will stop soon,a gasp of breath seeing a family goin together making jokes ,sumtimes even a family living in a hut by a river made me wish i was with them to share a meal -a lonely guy lost in the fast paced of life  ,,missing lot of essential things in life which money cant buy ---i know people who reach my age now are of same case --missing the essential things due to the fast paced nature of life but we have to remember one thing --work will never give the happiness these things give--things like spending 10minutes with your family during food time --10 minutes of a stroll in park with elderly people in your family --all it takes a few minutes of your life to see how kind god  is giving us sumone and how beautiful life can be if only properly realised
                                                       For me life seems a complete mess in some ways  as i m again preparing to start the run of thousand miles hoping to see and feel another soulful meal --if it means im on for sumthing special as today which had the wonderful feeling of all i wished --a lunch from a close family person --a sister who is married and a mother herself --but  remains  a child at heart -a lovely down to earth hubby who is one of the most down to earth persons i have met in my life ,,quality happy ,,unforgettable time it was-but im matured enough to understand the brash realities of life too- a married sister cant be troubled regularly ,,missing that great mother who was too great to be here with me --and being single also stops me the last option for looking for sumone to fill that void  --i regret a bit and feel sorry for myself a bit too at this stage --but im happy to have savoured some special moments in my life --and its fair to say the tear in corner of my eye after my lunch was a apology   to my mom --apology for the actions during those nights which i troubled her relentlessly -- While i enjoyed this day with these lovely people and certainly cherish it to my last  ---i dont want it to happen everyday because i know its too precious to be yearned for every day --so i start the run again --8 years or 80 years i will never stop --its what life is all about --searching for eternal happiness --there will be sumone like that in your life --just make sure u dont ignore them unknowingly ---nothing lasts forever --certainly not life --but if recognised such moments do last for eternity--be part of such lovely moments u will know what im talking about :)
                                                  
                                                      
                                                     

Tears Are The Best Words A Heart Cant Express!!

            "How powerful is our tears -- more powerful than what we think "


                   I felt the urge to write this blog because few days back i wanted to break down very badly to release the pressure my mind was feeling but i did not -i don't have my sweetest persons near me ,my all time best frd hurt me badly so much so it brought a uneasy silence in my heart ,neither do i have my miraculous girl nearby me --everyone live far apart -so in all ways if i shed tears i will be washed away by destiny -if i want to defeat the ever surfacin fears of life --this is the best way -holding on my tears -hoping one day using them all together when there  are moments that are   undeniably joyful (damn sure there will be some soon) !!

                        Today there are million reasons for me to cry --thousand  reasons to feel sickening bad --hundred reasons to feel sad that i have mouths that wanna curse me more than hands that are ready to support me---i have few good hearts to wish me good --a miraculous girl who lives so far but offers a invisible hand always in tough times ,a job that was  not my first wish but my best destiny in these times --all these make me all the more strong believer that if u wanna take on ur fears u have to first hold back ur tears,,turn desperate moments into life changing decisive moments


         One of the most powerful emotions but often negatively referred one is of our tears ---Who taught me to cry ??--how did it came naturally??--the answer is simple --its the same god who made u smile without anyone teaching --but often a smile is referred to as something of happiness but tears are always referred as  some sought of negativity --in reality not all tears are exhibition of loss or bad things ,,in my view it is powerful weapon if used properly to defeat out demons --the key lies in using them less ,,holding them back a tad little --sumtimes its what will give u impetus to be more fierced and focussed


        I remember the first time i cried --i got what i want --it was like a chocolate that i was addicted to --when i needed to get sumthing i just cried-i thought my tears is a boon that will get me anythin--i never realised that it is one of the ultimate weapons u need if u had to defeat ur demons and fears-the first time i failed in exams in my teens made me cry to hide the truth that  i started to become careless,,it started a regular habit of using it to escape the true wrath from people whom i love,,my boon was working wonders --i was slipping under the notice of everyone in the mask of my tears --little i knew abt what followed few years later


      The fear of failing and standing up to be counted made me try to use my tear as a  mask to escape the wrath of truth --i felt to be sucessful in my attempts then  --thats probably the pain and gain of youth --you know u r doing something wrong yet u wanna do it --then out of teens --out of college --the world seemed suddenly brighter than ever --with a plethora of shocks happening in matter of  very short time--my mom who had seen most of my tears left --and with it left what all i had --my belief ,,my confidence ,my love for dresses ,,my motivation to live ---and finally the "boon i thought i had owned also left"--i stopped to get tears when i wanted --suddenly there was no escape from the things i feared ,,then i realised if it had to be  a meaningful life ,i had to use my tears as my primary weapon against my fears and inner demons


    After all a normal ordinary commoner cannot be a superman --he has to learn to manage with what he has -that is exactly what i decided to do--if i wanted to goto my desired path it required sumthing very strong-i was confronted with continuous terrible situations which demanded nothing but tears ,,i wanted to but i held them back with great difficulty--every time i wanted to break down i just became more strong that if i break down it will be after i have tried my mighty best to not --it was unusual situations ---for a normal person--the important things in life are mom,our dream angel ,.,small small dreams which we work so hard --no different in my case --but they exitted pretty fast than it entered my life ---i just learnt if i start releasing my tears i would be even more vulnerable person than i m ,thankfully to god and some good happenings i realised it before too late


 Finishing with the line from my personal diary i wrote recently when i was about to shed a tear or two abt a very special someone


   "A smile masks truth sumtimes
    but tears always shows what u feel
    U heard my tears when none did
    now i hold mines to listen your smile sumday "
                            Cheers  :)

"Your Life Was Like A Beautiful Flower With Everlasting Fragrance And Will Be So Forever - R.I.P !!

                          In remembrance of the girl who was a miracle in my life --on her 3rd anniversary --You were a miracle who i never believed until you left --Miss you always--R.I.P
                          
                "U never appreciate what you have when u have "----i dont know about others but this fits me well,,the best things u have in your life dont last forever --but when u realise the worth ---u know its pretty late --nothin freezes in this world --no matter how much we wish it to be so with certain parts of our lives 

                Sum people are meant to be immortal --My beautiful mom is certainly like that in my life and if anyone gave me goosebumps as much as my moms memories did it was u -my dear angel --God knew probably not everyone born in this world are genius to know the purpose of their lives ,thats why he sent people like you to make the world a better place .

                 U were the person with the second best smile i had seen in my life --the girl who lived a life to fullest even though it was all but 26 years in this world --Scaringly good  in looks and talks ,exceedingly amazing as a writer --till date the best writer who has inspired me to write whatever my heart feels  --some of her words  were amazing for me ,,a bundle of positive energy ,,a flower with a ever lasting fragrance --that is how i will remember you and by few other words u uttered like

                " Your anger is like drizzle in a breeze--but your love is like breeze itself "--Probably the best lines i have ever been complemented in my life

                " I cant think abt my future --it brings fears-i dont think about the painful past either --it brings fears --but this moment is what it all counts --if i die the next moment --i will be a happy person alright "

                "My life is not a bed of roses --who cares--i will take the roses --this life is not such a bad place to be"

                "I know love came to me naturally--i dont want to live artificially ever since it came"(She loved a useless guy for 6 years relentlessly )

                "Im not what you see but if this is what makes you happy --i will be so forever  "--you were  always keen on doin somthing for others ,3 years since u have left the admiration and respect only grows on what a amazing human being you were

                 A ardent sincere worker in social organisations and a regular visitor to orphanages --i remember u  once said seein orphanages kids --"we could have been very well one of them --maybe god was kind on us --i dont want them to feel that god was not kind on them --atleast for these few hours im there they musnt"-i must reiterate here that  i was never a believer in all these stuffs earlier in my life but now do .

                 Maybe you were  always born to be misunderstood --you were the calmest person i have seen in my life--nothing stopped you from trying your best in everything you did --you were the miracle i never believed ,,the person who silently influenced my thoughts--the reason behind me understanding that relationship and friendship are sumthin very important in life --maybe  you the reason i sumtimes believe that a girls love and care are incomparable to anything in this world  --its my perspective

                Now everytime im pressed to break a friendship or a relationship --i remember you --you never broke a relationship even when you had few  quarrels ,,it was easy for sumone like u who never had ego,anger ,,Your life was lesson in itself --a book-- whose pages i never get tired in reading them --a very sincere and wonderful meaningful life ,,

              I know u must be at peace with God ,,or rather i should say he must happy having sumone like you along with him,,you were remarkable ,,unbelievable and one of the purest souls i have ever known in my life --your memories are cherished --Yours was a life that had nothing but good deeds and it was excruciatingly sad to see your end succumbed to the one thing you were a  incomparable queen--- "Love"

           I end with what i wrote on your first anniversary
             "Death is a coward --it follows us like a shawdow till our last and on our last moment comes in front of us and smiles --but i bet when it did come in front of u--it would have said "Sorry""
                            "R.I.P my evergreen Queen of Love "---Thanks for the unforgettable memories and moments
  With Lots of respect and admiration----Your Good friend :)